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Have we tried turning the world off for two minutes and then turning it back on?
In his final act of benevolent genius, Steve Jobs overshadows Sarah Palin. Rest in peace, you fucking stud.
Obama politicized this moment only if "it should be harder to murder roomfuls of children" is a political statement.
Just realized: the Miley Cyrus performance is probably what the whole world feels like to my parents.
Honest question: the last time an NFL player was accused of murder, who did ESPN invite on to give the Christian perspective?
Obviously, the main reason I was initally so disappointed by The Phantom Menace was that I couldn't tell which items were in the foreground.
The world's 1.2 billion Catholics await the name of the man they will sort of sometimes selectively listen to when it suits them.
#SignsYoSonIsGay The terror and isolation he experienced in his youth have turned him into a strong, independent and compassionate man.
As we celebrate tonight, let's spare a warm thought for our opponents, who lost absolutely nothing.
The internet has revolutionized the way we're idiots.
In Jaden Smith, we are watching the first person to become a movie star because it came up on the chore wheel.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was telling some fictional airplane villain lady to eat his dick.
The difference between Ann Coulter and mentally handicapped people is that mentally handicapped people generally try their very best.
Remember yesterday afternoon, when Kirk Cameron's views were none of our concern? Let's restore America to that golden age.
Yes. Yes, I do recall the most famous reindeer of all. Because HE IS THE MOST FAMOUS REINDEER OF ALL.
Jason Collins' coming out is an illustration of how far we've come, and its comments section is a reminder of how far we have left to go.
But don't lose faith, people- belligerent, self-aggrandizing pricks really do exist.
Play our Election Night Drinking Game, where every time Obama gets re-elected, we handle ourselves with grace and maturity.
The guy from the thing. No, the other thing. No, the other guy. No. No. Yes.