nothing makes me feel more single-divorced-thirty-something than drinking jack & diet-ginger out of a cereal bowl

if a hipster plays some vinyl but doesn't post it on instagram, does it make a sound?

i'm a super mysterious guy...well not that mysterious, i guess. i'm not a don't-have-a-facebook mysterious guy.

facebook has gotten so bad, it's like when your parents first got email and started forwarding 3 year old chain emails

i say tomato you say tom-ah-to, but you're a douche

It's not a good sign when you pick up a to go order and fire trucks and ambulances are there amirite

Just saw my office crush in the hallway and she looked disgusted. WTF, bitch? Fine, I'll put my boner back in my pants.

every time i watch food network, i'm inspired to try new cooking techniques...so rice a roni tonight

sorry to get all political on y'all, but pimp my ride > extreme home makeover

you had me at having tits and a vagina

"i'll give a rat's ass" - me never pretty much

the good thing about talking and laughing to yourself is that at least the neighbors think you're not lonely ROFL

@karencreets they've probably already grown tired of each other and only have sex resentfully at this point ROFLOL

Me: Siri, start a fucking list and put that bitch ass ex of my grandpa on it. Siri: did granny steal your weed again, Dave?

Some very rude lady just bumped into me. On one hand I'm pissed, but I am in desperate need of human contact so I'll let this one slip.

relationship status: so emotionally unavailable that a single heart emoticon will send me running

hey guess what? i steal tweets all the time, but they take the form of charming and witty text messages to my friends.

@pfizergoddess I actually tried loading one, but I suck at twitter. Thanks for the follow. Cheers!

everything in moderation

except for whiskey

shut up, chicks who immediately start using "we" instead of "i" as soon as they get in a relationship