I always thought tits were just a sexy extension of the lungs

Sleep is the first thing I think about when I wake up

Not only am I a master of suspense, but I

BEFORE SEX; you help each other get naked. AFTER SEX you only dress yourself. Moral of the story, in life, no one helps you once ur fucked

Nothing is sexier than a woman picking the Iron as her Monopoly piece

"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" "No, but it burned when I flew up from hell."

This year I'm utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence. Sorry I mean I'm using big words to sound smart .

Our relationship just can't work because sometimes even when you love someone , the timing is just wrong

Why the fuck am I up at 2 a.m stalking bitches when I can be in my bed dreaming about stalking this bitch :P

My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things so far in advance. Well, she's not my girlfriend yet..

Just spent the last hour seating naked on the toilet reading @cjthelesser and @_oliveejuicee tweets from last night

My girlfriend had a horrific car accident and has been left in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. A shame really - I'll miss her

My girlfriend says she's tired of my invasiveness, and she wants more privacy. Well, that's what she texted to her friend, anyway

The best part about wearing skinny jeans is when I'm digging for change and I accidentally masturbate

If your breakfast didn't have strips of motherfucking bacon on the side of it this morning, you eat breakfast like a bitch

I had my I.D stolen last night at the club . People just call me Dav now

Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl. Friend: Who?....... Fuck you..

Ignore me for five minutes and I'll ignore you for five days

The other day I saw a hippo shoving marbles down a kids throat and screaming "Who's hungry now, bitch!

People don't refer to me as a "great guy," they refer to me as an "awesome motherfucker."