Tweet like nobody's following.

Mothers, be good to your daughters; don't name them things like "Steve" or "Maxwell."

@garryshandling Don't judge a band by its covers.

I'd like to shake the hand of whoever thought of travel size Purell, but he's probably a huge germophobe.

While we’re locking bands in Russian prisons… Nickelback?

You guys really should try Twix. It's like eye candy for your mouth.

Porn stars never get famous because even if everyone recognizes them, nobody will admit it.

Right now Steve Jobs is thinking "Wow, this place looks just like the Apple store."

I am a narcissist but my sister is narcissister, Mister.

Thanks for ruining yogurt forever, Jamie Lee Curtis.

I know Steve Jobs had an effect on my life; I just tried to pinch-zoom on a magazine.

It's almost as if Jessica Biel isn't even interested in me. If she's not careful she's going to lose me forever and I mean it.

Unemployment I’ve got; I want to collect money.

I say “veep” because saying “VP” is way too time consuming.

Does Robin Williams have an iPod “nanu?”
#CuteTweets

I feel a lot of empathy for dudes with face-tattoos because I too am utterly un-hireable.

“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
-Person hitting on Satan

Every time someone unfollows me I draw a hot bath, put on some Adele and just cry.

Parks and Segregation
#DepressingSitcoms

“This seat’s TAKEN.” -Liam Neeson at the movie theater