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"In 2016... Bradley Cooper... & J Law are... magicians... who have... cancer?"
-David O Russell rearranging his moviemaking fridge magnets
Dear crying babies, your lives are literally perfect. Save your tears for your desk jobs in 20 years. Life is long, guys.
If Jon Lovitz started popping up everywhere and messing with people like Bill Murray's been doing he'd be in jail by now.
Comedians should stop trying. Nothing will ever be funnier than the part in that Backstreet Boys song where the guy asks, "Am I sexual?"
Taylor Swift brought out stricter gun control laws as a surprise at her concert last night!
THEY CANCELED HANNIBAL EVERYONE SEND IMMACULATELY PREPARED COOKED HUMAN ORGANS TO NBC/UNIVERSAL
HOT BARELY MATURE WHITE MEN ARE READY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY LOVE CALVIN AND HOBBES
I drunk-dreamed that there was a song on the new Taylor Swift album simply titled "🐶" and now I'm sad to be awake.
Remember when David Bowie was like "hey I'm not David Bowie anymore I'm a gay alien" and everyone was cool with it? People suck now.
HOLY SHIT WHAT IF WE USED DIPPIN' DOTS AS A TOPPING FOR REGULAR ICE CREAM??
Netflix and Chill has replaced bae as Top Joke Thing For People With No Personality.
We, are pizza pizza pizza, gonna get some pizza. - Pizza Swift **perfect tweet alert**
My favorite comedy movies are Three White Dudes, Clumsy Girl Dates, Flawed Man Changes, and Cool Guy And Cunt Wife.
The State Of The Union should be retitled, "Hey, You Know What Would Be Cool?"
let's throw all the fucking guns into a volcano
"Sorry I'm so awkward." -person who confuses annoying for awkward
You could either stay inside all night and pity yourself, or you could go out and pity yourself and make your friends listen to you!
What some people don't know about Trump is that he coined the classic "stop hitting yourself" bully routine.
My bone's got a little machine. (*I'm the bone machine)
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