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Dear crying babies, your lives are literally perfect. Save your tears for your desk jobs in 20 years. Life is long, guys.
If Jon Lovitz started popping up everywhere and messing with people like Bill Murray's been doing he'd be in jail by now.
Comedians should stop trying. Nothing will ever be funnier than the part in that Backstreet Boys song where the guy asks, "Am I sexual?"
THEY CANCELED HANNIBAL EVERYONE SEND IMMACULATELY PREPARED COOKED HUMAN ORGANS TO NBC/UNIVERSAL
HOT BARELY MATURE WHITE MEN ARE READY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY LOVE CALVIN AND HOBBES
I drunk-dreamed that there was a song on the new Taylor Swift album simply titled "🐶" and now I'm sad to be awake.
We, are pizza pizza pizza, gonna get some pizza. - Pizza Swift **perfect tweet alert**
My favorite comedy movies are Three White Dudes, Clumsy Girl Dates, Flawed Man Changes, and Cool Guy And Cunt Wife.
The State Of The Union should be retitled, "Hey, You Know What Would Be Cool?"
"Sorry I'm so awkward." -person who confuses annoying for awkward
You could either stay inside all night and pity yourself, or you could go out and pity yourself and make your friends listen to you!
let's throw all the fucking guns into a volcano
That's Not Quite As Raven As I Was Expecting
You know you nailed a casual convo with an acquaintance when you get that sweet sweet friend request the next day.
American Beauty is such a late 90s time capsule it should have starred Moby and included 3 free months of AOL.
[Kid]: Mom, Dad, how'd you two meet?
[Mom]: This is a cute story!
[Dad]: I saw mom's face on a dating app when I was on the toilet.
Please donate to my Kickstarter to fund the T-shirts that I offered as rewards for my last Kickstarter.
My bone's got a little machine. (*I'm the bone machine)
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