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If you don't apathetically say "go sports" to friends who like football, how will they know you went to a liberal arts college?
Dear crying babies, your lives are literally perfect. Save your tears for your desk jobs in 20 years. Life is long, guys.
If Jon Lovitz started popping up everywhere and messing with people like Bill Murray's been doing he'd be in jail by now.
Comedians should stop trying. Nothing will ever be funnier than the part in that Backstreet Boys song where the guy asks, "Am I sexual?"
HOT BARELY MATURE WHITE MEN ARE READY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY LOVE CALVIN AND HOBBES
We, are pizza pizza pizza, gonna get some pizza. - Pizza Swift **perfect tweet alert**
My favorite comedy movies are Three White Dudes, Clumsy Girl Dates, Flawed Man Changes, and Cool Guy And Cunt Wife.
The State Of The Union should be retitled, "Hey, You Know What Would Be Cool?"
"Sorry I'm so awkward." -person who confuses annoying for awkward
You could either stay inside all night and pity yourself, or you could go out and pity yourself and make your friends listen to you!
That's Not Quite As Raven As I Was Expecting
You know you nailed a casual convo with an acquaintance when you get that sweet sweet friend request the next day.
American Beauty is such a late 90s time capsule it should have starred Moby and included 3 free months of AOL.
Please donate to my Kickstarter to fund the T-shirts that I offered as rewards for my last Kickstarter.
Walk up in the club like "hi I got too drunk and left my debit card here last night are you guys open yet?"
"Why Arrested Development Failed," and other articles by unpaid writers
If your favorite movie is Boondock Saints your favorite book is probably the back of a box of Hot Pockets.
HOT BARELY EMPLOYED WRITERS ARE DAY DRINKING IN YOUR AREA RIGHT NOW
Wait, being a writer means you just sit in a chair with your terrible thoughts, being a huge weirdo? Forever? Wuh oh.
In Hell, you can't turn off Facebook chat.