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Comedians should stop trying. Nothing will ever be funnier than the part in that Backstreet Boys song where the guy asks, "Am I sexual?"
If you don't apathetically say "go sports" to friends who like football, how will they know you went to a liberal arts college?
We, are pizza pizza pizza, gonna get some pizza. - Pizza Swift **perfect tweet alert**
My favorite comedy movies are Three White Dudes, Clumsy Girl Dates, Flawed Man Changes, and Cool Guy And Cunt Wife.
The State Of The Union should be retitled, "Hey, You Know What Would Be Cool?"
"Sorry I'm so awkward." -person who confuses annoying for awkward
You could either stay inside all night and pity yourself, or you could go out and pity yourself and make your friends listen to you!
You know you nailed a casual convo with an acquaintance when you get that sweet sweet friend request the next day.
American Beauty is such a late 90s time capsule it should have starred Moby and included 3 free months of AOL.
That's Not Quite As Raven As I Was Expecting
Walk up in the club like "hi I got too drunk and left my debit card here last night are you guys open yet?"
"Why Arrested Development Failed," and other articles by unpaid writers
If your favorite movie is Boondock Saints your favorite book is probably the back of a box of Hot Pockets.
HOT BARELY EMPLOYED WRITERS ARE DAY DRINKING IN YOUR AREA RIGHT NOW
Wait, being a writer means you just sit in a chair with your terrible thoughts, being a huge weirdo? Forever? Wuh oh.
In Hell, you can't turn off Facebook chat.
I wonder if I'll ever experience the kind of pure joy that Lucille Bluth feels whenever she sees Gene Parmesan.
When Kurt Cobain was my age he was already dead. UGH I gotta get my shit together!
I want to make a movie where sexy teenagers get stuck in the middle of nowhere, have a really fun time, and get home safely.
When a text conversation has reached it's natural end, always send out the pizza emoji. It's common courtesy.
2006 to 2007: Watched all of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. 2007- ??: Recovering