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Comedians should stop trying. Nothing will ever be funnier than the part in that Backstreet Boys song where the guy asks, "Am I sexual?"
We, are pizza pizza pizza, gonna get some pizza. - Pizza Swift **perfect tweet alert**
My favorite comedy movies are Three White Dudes, Clumsy Girl Dates, Flawed Man Changes, and Cool Guy And Cunt Wife.
"Sorry I'm so awkward." -person who confuses annoying for awkward
The State Of The Union should be retitled, "Hey, You Know What Would Be Cool?"
You could either stay inside all night and pity yourself, or you could go out and pity yourself and make your friends listen to you!
You know you nailed a casual convo with an acquaintance when you get that sweet sweet friend request the next day.
American Beauty is such a late 90s time capsule it should have starred Moby and included 3 free months of AOL.
"Why Arrested Development Failed," and other articles by unpaid writers
If your favorite movie is Boondock Saints your favorite book is probably the back of a box of Hot Pockets.
Wait, being a writer means you just sit in a chair with your terrible thoughts, being a huge weirdo? Forever? Wuh oh.
In Hell, you can't turn off Facebook chat.
I wonder if I'll ever experience the kind of pure joy that Lucille Bluth feels whenever she sees Gene Parmesan.
When Kurt Cobain was my age he was already dead. UGH I gotta get my shit together!
I want to make a movie where sexy teenagers get stuck in the middle of nowhere, have a really fun time, and get home safely.
If I was REALLY voting with my heart tomorrow, I'd write "politics is crazy" on the ballot in mustard and fly away on a jetpack.
It's not delivery, and it's not DiGiorno either. It's a piece of paper with a circle drawn on it. You're losing your mind.
Do NOT pass bro. Do NOT pop 200 collars.
On one hand, a glove. But on the other hand, another glove.
Bet you wouldn't be so into Gotye if he was your ex and and he was yelling those lyrics outside your window at 3 am.
2006 to 2007: Watched all of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. 2007- ??: Recovering