If your lawyer has a ponytail you're going to prison.

I wish my girlfriend was on Facebook so I knew when her birthday is.

There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.

I danced like no one was watching. But they were watching. And laughing and pointing and fuck this bar I'm outta here.

The first 2 slices of pizza cure depression and the last 14 bring it right back.

Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

Told a girl I have feelings for her too early in the courtship and now she won't tell me her name.

If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.

Was lacking some confidence. Then I fired up my computer and found out hot singles in my area wanna chat with me right now!

If you know the thread count on your bed sheets we're in different tax brackets.

I see your "Monday sucks" tweet and raise you a "at least you have a fucking job" tweet.

Coworker talking "baby talk" voice to their girlfriend on the phone. If I don't tweet for the next 25 to life then you know what happened.

I think we should go back to the days when being famous required some sort of talent.

Saw my ex broke down on the road this morning so now I'm late to work. I had to drive by 6 times before the bitch noticed me laughing at her

Staring at a typo in my tweet about depression really isn't helping matters.

My friends call me "hot shot" because they're imaginary and I control the dialogue.

When my girlfriend and boss start following me on Twitter I'll have a lot more time to tweet. Because I'll be single and unemployed.

My credit score isn't a number anymore it's just a note that says "cash only from this fucker."

This Monday is moving slower than Michael Moore at a buffet.

If you're a white guy with cornrows it should be several acres and in Nebraska.