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Tom Cruise: mommy and daddy are getting a divorce.
Suri: I'm sorry. I can't search for businesses outside of the US.
Watching Bolt win that race wasn't as good as when I first heard Brian Harvey has run himself over after eating 4 jacket potatoes.
Sometimes I like to sit on my hand until it goes numb then it feels like someone else is wiping the tears of loneliness from my cheek.
The worst bit about living alone is when the doorbell goes while you're on the toilet.
That and the crippling loneliness.
I've just seen the most mythical of beasts. The horsicorn. It's a unicorn with a normal horses head. So beautiful.
I really wish Steak & Blowjob Day and Mothers Day weren't so close together. I just got confused and now she's crying and I'm hungry.
My dad just forgot the word for airport. The closest he could get was plane station.
I'm so lonely I like to drive slowly past horses on the road so I can get a nice little wave off the rider and pretend they're my friend.
So your arms just go all the way down then split into 5 smaller arms? Fingers are weird.
A man on Stargazing Live just asked a young boy "who discovered your anus?"
Will the BBC never learn?
Follow your dreams. If they don't follow back, call your dreams a dick and unfollow them.
If you watch Osama Bin Laden's life backwards, it's about a sea zombie that builds skyscrapers out of airplanes.
I just rang my parents for a chat while my porn buffered. A new low.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, you probably love a homing pigeon.
Ray Mears is far better than Bear Grylls. If you can live in a forest and stay that fat, you're obviously a great forager.
I don't understand. Are eyelashes for cars cheaper than an "I AM A MASSIVE CUNT" sticker?
An aggressively gentle lover. Dont hate me, fellate me™
