Breastfeeding is sexy -- but not because it involves boobies. No, it's because mothers are superheroes. And THAT, my friends, is sexy.

In a résumé, should expired and/or lifted restraining orders be listed under "Honors & Awards" or "Achievements"? I'm never quite sure...

I think most people are actually nice, deep down. (And by "deep down", I mean "6 feet under".)

Their are 3 types of people in the whirled: those who can count, and those who can spell.

I predict someone will tell you a lame joke today. Now, instead of forcing a laugh, you can just stare at 'em & say "I was told about you."

I love the birds' excitement at this hour. Of course, when a worm passes as fine dining, the "excitement" bar is set pretty low...

No offense, but people who don't like pizza make me nervous.

If you can't say anyting nice... there's a good chance I've got a star for you.

Pat Robertson's heart surgery took 10 hours. I'm surprised they found it that quickly.

I have a clear recollection of the 1st time an adult explained Groundhog Day to me. It was the 1st time I knew I was smarter than a grownup.

Daytime meds have 12-hr dose. Nighttime meds have 8-hr dose. I reckon that leaves me 4 hrs to drink whiskey.

Upon further reflection, I did not "fall off" the playground equipment. I made an unscheduled dismount.

Sometimes I "forget" stuff on purpose, so I can snag a bonus goodbye kiss from my wife. She humors me.

Some kid said something to me about Santa being "fake" -- but I'm pretty sure he was just trying to scam my spot in line to see him.

You kids really shouldn't play in the street after dark... but, if you do, I'm gonna ask that you wear these black sweatshirts.

If you don't put your turn signal on, I'm not letting you merge. You gotta give to get, homey.

When u have 1 of those fish thingies on your car, it's imperative that u drive graciously. Otherwise, I'll blame Jesus.

I think people who try hard ought to be respected, admired, nurtured, encouraged, emulated -- and sometimes mocked.

Have you ever tried to sneeze with your eyes open? I don't recommend it. (Just dislocated two vertebrae & a houseplant.)

We haven't figured out what to name our daughter, but we are in total agreement that her name should be spelled correctly.