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Romney wanted to create more jobs. Concede Mitt and let us go to sleep so we can get up and go to work.
If you're a parent and consider yourself "spiritual" and you don't use "I'm going to meditate" to go take a nap. You're doing it wrong.
I had breakfast in bed today and the people at Anthropologie were NOT happy about it.
"you know I have three kids right?" - me to my wife every time she tries to give me an entire episode recap of Parenthood.
Why did Breaking Bad end last night? Because no more Walter White after labor day. Breaking: Bad joke
When you're young you're worried about not having evening plans. When you're older you're worried your plans are going to confirm.
no truer words are ever spoken than "I'm so drunk"
As a student of life, just asking, is all of this going to be on the final exam?
Never tell your hair it's having a bad hair day, tell it, in this moment it's not acting as it should -parenting lessons applied to grooming
my confidence was low so I decided to play monopoly against my 6 & 7 yr olds. Crushed them. I'm the king of the world!
So apparently earthquakes are now trendy in Beverly Hills. Ugh! what am I going to wear to the next one?
Does the klu klux klan ever meet after labor day?
Are mermaids kosher? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm trying to figure out a way to write a serious tweet that contains the word "tushy". It's not going well.
I hope the turkey we eat tonight was the jive one. Happy thanksgiving.
Persian women love me because I'm hairy, but not their brother/father kind of hairy.