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Romney wanted to create more jobs. Concede Mitt and let us go to sleep so we can get up and go to work.
sometimes I think I'm lazy. Other times, I think I'm...oh forget it, what's the use.
People all my life have called me a Superjew, but as far as I can tell my extraordinary power is to be first to say "what's that smell?"
If you're a parent and consider yourself "spiritual" and you don't use "I'm going to meditate" to go take a nap. You're doing it wrong.
I had breakfast in bed today and the people at Anthropologie were NOT happy about it.
"you know I have three kids right?" - me to my wife every time she tries to give me an entire episode recap of Parenthood.
Why did Breaking Bad end last night? Because no more Walter White after labor day. Breaking: Bad joke
When you're young you're worried about not having evening plans. When you're older you're worried your plans are going to confirm.
Most of the people in LA are the type of people who try to get on a guest list for benefit show.
"No listening to stand up comedy until you've finished your homework!" - something I yelled at my 7 yr old son. Being a parent is weird.
Parenting is basically all of the jet lag with none of the travel.
Am I still allowed to have friends if I twerk?