Romney wanted to create more jobs. Concede Mitt and let us go to sleep so we can get up and go to work.

If you're a parent and consider yourself "spiritual" and you don't use "I'm going to meditate" to go take a nap. You're doing it wrong.

I had breakfast in bed today and the people at Anthropologie were NOT happy about it.

"you know I have three kids right?" - me to my wife every time she tries to give me an entire episode recap of Parenthood.

Why did Breaking Bad end last night? Because no more Walter White after labor day. Breaking: Bad joke

When you're young you're worried about not having evening plans. When you're older you're worried your plans are going to confirm.

Your move twitter.  http://instagr.am/p/TeVBRMBn5u/ 

no truer words are ever spoken than "I'm so drunk"

Actually, I was on this cloud first. #responsesongs @bazecraze

As a student of life, just asking, is all of this going to be on the final exam?

Can you tell my kids are home from school today?  http://instagr.am/p/R8n1BDBnwX/ 

Never tell your hair it's having a bad hair day, tell it, in this moment it's not acting as it should -parenting lessons applied to grooming

my confidence was low so I decided to play monopoly against my 6 & 7 yr olds. Crushed them. I'm the king of the world!

So apparently earthquakes are now trendy in Beverly Hills. Ugh! what am I going to wear to the next one?

Does the klu klux klan ever meet after labor day?

Are mermaids kosher? I'm asking for a friend.

I'm trying to figure out a way to write a serious tweet that contains the word "tushy". It's not going well.

I hope the turkey we eat tonight was the jive one. Happy thanksgiving.

Persian women love me because I'm hairy, but not their brother/father kind of hairy.

Baby got back  http://vine.co/v/bXv0rauMwmP