I always cover my dirty dishes in the sink with water because, you know, it loosens that shit up for the person who ends up washing them.

White guys have gangs too. They're called fraternities. And corporations.

This Walmart needs a few black guys to soak up all these fat white chicks.

Twitter has restored my faith in strangers. And Canadians.

I'd tell my 1992 self "Hey I can get porn for free any time on my phone" and then he'd say "Yeah, well, gas is like a dollar."

People opposed to child labor clearly don't have toddlers.

The older I get the longer and more depressing/hilarious my scrotum gets.

Twitter has replaced the irrational feeling that I need to go out and make
friends.

So excited about the caffeine I get to drink tomorrow I can hardly sleep.

I think I've studied human behavior enough to mimic normal social interactions.

Don't worry, there's someone for everyone. Except you. You're a disaster.

One of the best things about being white is not needing a receipt for returns.

No officer. Do you know how fast I was typing?

Trying to translate girl directions. It's the exit with the tree that looks like a hook then you go toward that shoe store but make a right.

Twitter: Where people who hate people find people they like.

Having great boobs must be like having a visible Superpower.

just remembered i used to ride my bike around and see a vacant house and debate if i could use the address to get 16 more discs for a penny.

If your husband owns an iPad he's frequently masturbating in the guest bathroom.

I need an app where if I accidentally die, my phone explodes shortly thereafter.

"I'm gonna get more stuffed animals for my dashboard" - this chick I broke up with in college then spent like 12 months hiding from.