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People are always shocked when I tell them how much I get paid to tweet. Especially my boss.
My mom tells me people are laughing too hard to star my tweets.
I think I've left the kingdom of sarcasm and entered the realm of blatantly lying.
Peeling the stick figure wife sticker off the back of the car must be awesome. Re-applying the kid stickers every other weekend must suck.
Wearing a pedometer on my wrist while I jacked off took me to a whole new level of self loathing.
Just read in an article about how to Twitter effectively that Twitter is about having conversations. Who the fuck is doing that on here?
Ever tried to throw away a trash can? It's nearly impossible.
My one fatal flaw is never quite knowing when it's the right time to call for an ambulance.
I'm sure I'll get all the followers once everyone's back from vacation.
I refuse to form an opinion on heart disease related to sodium intake until I hear Jenny McCarthy's opinion on it.
If you wear a condom, you're no porn star to me.
My therapist would probably say there is nothing wrong with falling madly in love with a half inch square picture of someone you don't know.
I tell Microsoft Word's autoformat function "No, stop doing that!" more often than I say it to my young kids. And Word is like 29 years old.
Is this the place to apologize for peeing a little bit on roughly 80% of the floors in bathrooms that I use?
I don't know what magic is going on with Lipton's Cold Brew tea, but it's probably killing me.
If you do it right and follow a wide variety of people, not just funny ones, your timeline can mirror all the voices inside your head.
Hearing that Scarlett Johansson had those naked pics on her own phone makes me realize even more that I have no idea what women are up to.
My milkshake's made of melted Slimfast and my yard is full of kid toys and weeds. Guess that chick was right that hers was better than mine.
I don't think enough women have seen me naked.
Has anybody else noticed all the old gay guys that stand in the front row whenever Good Morning America has a concert in Central Park?
I don't really have a Tweet theme. That bothers some people.