My girlfriend is constantly calling out my name during sex....it pisses me off cause then I have to get off the couch to see what she wants.

How do I say "I wanna pound you anally until your breath smells like spermicdal lubricant" but yet still sound smooth, and classy?

Sarcasm....cause beating the shit out of morons is still illegal.

I miss my ex...I think when I see her I get all excited and jerk the trigger instead of squeezing.

I smoke because its cheaper than defending multiple assault charges and the anger management classes.

Roses are red...blah blah blah let me eat your pussy. #romancepoems

I masturbate because I'm too cheap to buy dinner and drinks...and my hand never says no, except that one time, that was really awkward.

Vodka, its whats for dinner

I always thought my thoughts were perverted, and twisted, and if anyone ever knew they'd lock me up, turns out they just earn me stars.

Simple rule. Eat, fuck, touch, every woman like she's your last.

I wish real life was more like twitter

A blowjob without some ball fondling is like owning a windowless van without a giant bag of butterscotch candy.

If in the throes of passion she ever calls you a "mother fucker" through gritted teeth then you can bet your doing it right.

There is no glory in a gloryhole.

Good morning assholes and bitches. Its shaping up to be another shitty day. So why not start it off with a healthy and hearty fuck you.

star fucking means fucking someone until they see stars right....if so count me in

I wanna fuck on the back of a unicorn under a rainbow next to a chocolate waterfall. All words except the first three are lies.

If you need a woman to teach you or give you tips on how to eat pussy and she's not a lesbian....then you are a failure as a man.

I miss words like shennanigans and tomfoolery

when you make a woman smile you have her mouth already half open for a blowjob.....make her laugh and you're all the way home...