Fat girlfriends are the worst. NO, you cannot have the spam in my inbox.

Twitter Code: you're sooo funny *follow*.

*Checks 3 days later* still not following me back?

Bitch, you're not THAT funny. *unfollows*

If size really matters then, SHRINK YOUR VAGINA.

Some of your tweets aren't that funny, but I just star it because I imagine you naked & masturbating while you wrote it.

Like this.

My GPS just sighed in disgust and whispered "dumbass" when I missed my exit.

All I see in my "Who to follow" section is tits, boobs and a girl holding beer.

Twitter knows me better than my girlfriends.

You can fuck up my economy, my 401k, my abortion rights, you can use my tax dollars for evil, but once you fuck with my internet..ITS OVER.

If there was a Favstar party, I'm pretty sure everybody would be socially awkward until that one girl flashed everybody.

Tell me in your stupid, tiny, girl brain how I'm misogynistic.

So high, I don't know how to read.

I need Rosetta Stoned.

Loneliness is playing musical chairs with your shadow.

I just sneezed so violently, I cheated on my girlfriend.

Out of all the voices in my head the homosexual one creeps me out the most.

AARP is the sound my grandma makes when I punch her retired ass.

You remind me of my next girlfriend.

You loved my sarcasm ’til my love was sarcastic.

I just saw purple boobs on my timeline and got turned on.

So if we ever get invaded by aliens, I'll actually be fine with it.

I always look both ways before crossing a bisexual.

I wish I ejaculated as much as I cry.

I get high while writing, so I write better.

But not too high, cause then I scribble off the paper and on the desk and shit.