Whoever says that laugher is the best medicine has never had a blowjob.

How much side nut does a guy have to show to get a cocktail at this preschool?

I feel sad for people who take the train to work every day, because they miss out on a lot of opportunities to hate people who drive.

Uh oh. The breakfast burrito I had this morning has decided to unfollow me.

The hardest part of dealing with a grandparent in adult diapers is getting their old ass up on the changing table in the Walmart bathroom.

This bidet doesn’t have much pressure.

My co-workers call it a “drinking fountain”, whatever that is.

This hooker doesn’t find dead hooker jokes near as funny as I do.

Ladies,
It isn’t always about your boobs, sometimes we’re trying to read what’s written on your shirt.


Related: nice tits.

I was eating a Hawaiian Ice this weekend and realized that most of my favorite things are shaved

The Pope-mobile. Can someone explain to me why the Pope is *that* afraid of death?

Oops. I sure hope the other person on this elevator thinks that fart is hers.

Give a girl a drink and she’ll drink for a day.

Teach that girl to blow me for a drink, and she’ll drink ‘til I get tired of her crazy ass

If you replace “the birds and bees” with “the neighbor and chickens” then, yes, my parents did have that discussion with me.

Her eyes said “yes”. I couldn’t see her mouth because of the duct tape, but those eyes were definitely into me.

I hate the charade of ordering Taco Bell like the whole order isn’t for just me.

Archeologists are wrong, the oldest tool ever is this fuckhead in the Buick in front of me.

Would it have killed the assholes who do that stuff to make the word for palindrome a palindrome?

This chick is screaming like she has never caught someone masturbating at work before.

My new co-worker is fluent in at least 6 words.

if you can't be with the one you love

Love the mom you're with