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Misery might 'like' company, but it loves the shit out of Facebook.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Why doesnt doggy toothpaste come in flavors I know they would like, such as 'ass' & 'crotch' & '3 day old garbage'?
Doesn't matter how nice of a restaurant we go to, if you speak less than politely to the waiter, or leave a shitty tip, the date is over.
I cant be sure, but I think I just had normal people sex.
Sex or pancakes? Ok, both it is.
Gentlemen, fuck your ladies like you really, really mean it. Every time.
Ive found the quickest way for me to get over being angry about something, is to get angry about something else.
Peeps get all "How are those tattoos gonna look when you're 80?" And I get all "No worse than my 80 year old tittys". Silly.
My butt plug is my big girl binkie.
Panties should be worn for ornamental purposes only, or not at all.
I don't have issues. I have leather bound hardcover volumes.
The best way to run into that hot person you've been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I'll betcha five dollars you can't buck me off your face.
On a scale of one to douche, Id put you at Massengil factory.
Inspirational Tweet: Swallow. Try anal. Watch porn. You're welcome.
Decisions I make when I'm horny tend to be as bad as ones I made when I was drunk.
Pro tip: It's difficult to say a safe word with a dick down my throat.
Toss me around the bed with the just the right amount of gentlemanly authority.
That's me in the stripper shoes at church.
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