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Sucks when I'm about to have sex & she says, 'Please don't break my heart' & I have to reassure her that my penis will NOT reach that far
Why do guys hold grudges against girls who rejected them so long ago? Anyway if you're reading this Mary from primary school, YOU'RE A WHORE
Difference between dry-spell & friend-zone is that you'd rather be in a desert than being in a river with water you can't drink LOL
Samsung won't stop until they create a TV so curved it watches itself.
CEO: Due to budget cuts, we will no longer be having the elephant in the room
Me: So what now?
CEO: *Points to corner*
Hippo: Sup bitches
At this rate, we can expect the 'EBOLA' movie in 2015 directed by Michael Bay, starring Brad Pitt as a Nigerian doctor who saves the world
#FolderNamesToHidePornOnPc ''IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE''
I hope all those CCTV cameras being set up around town will capture Safaricom stealing our money too
Compliment a pretty girl, she'll think you just want sex. Compliment an ugly girl, she'll think you're lying. Lesson? Compliment a sandwich
A girl can't even find her bunch of keys in her own handbag, how the hell is she going to find happiness in a man?
If your girlfriend never comes home complaining about the bitch at work that everyone hates, THEN SHE'S THAT BITCH LOL.
Bro Ocholla: Did you see that girl just walk by? I'd smash
Me: Dude, we're in church
Bro Ocholla: Sorry. LORD KNOWS I'd smash
I'd rather make fun of myself everyday on twitter than pick on someone I don't know who may be going through some real tough shit
Too many brands using tweeps to push their products on my TL. Thankfully, I just mute them using my HTC M9 with it's awesome camera and...
Just found a 50 bob in my jeans from a week ago and now I'm writing a personal finance self help book
I'm not saying my boss is a dick, but when people want to find out if he's reached the office they ask, 'is it in yet?'
The next Mission Impossible movie will just feature me trying to get out of a family WhatsApp group
The patron saint of slapping your buttocks with a dead fish... ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ #YNWA Rhythm Guitar - Last Year's Tragedy (@LYTband)
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