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Sucks when I'm about to have sex & she says, 'Please don't break my heart' & I have to reassure her that my penis will NOT reach that far
Samsung won't stop until they create a TV so curved it watches itself.
Why do guys hold grudges against girls who rejected them so long ago? Anyway if you're reading this Mary from primary school, YOU'RE A WHORE
CEO: Due to budget cuts, we will no longer be having the elephant in the room
Me: So what now?
CEO: *Points to corner*
Hippo: Sup bitches
Difference between dry-spell & friend-zone is that you'd rather be in a desert than being in a river with water you can't drink LOL
Interviewer: It says here you're a problem solver. Explain?
Me: *Untangles headphones in under 15 secs*
Her: GET THE CEO ON THE PHONE NOW
At this rate, we can expect the 'EBOLA' movie in 2015 directed by Michael Bay, starring Brad Pitt as a Nigerian doctor who saves the world
#FolderNamesToHidePornOnPc ''IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE''
I hope all those CCTV cameras being set up around town will capture Safaricom stealing our money too
Compliment a pretty girl, she'll think you just want sex. Compliment an ugly girl, she'll think you're lying. Lesson? Compliment a sandwich
If your girlfriend never comes home complaining about the bitch at work that everyone hates, THEN SHE'S THAT BITCH LOL.
A girl can't even find her bunch of keys in her own handbag, how the hell is she going to find happiness in a man?
Too many brands using tweeps to push their products on my TL. Thankfully, I just mute them using my HTC M9 with it's awesome camera and...
Bro Ocholla: Did you see that girl just walk by? I'd smash
Me: Dude, we're in church
Bro Ocholla: Sorry. LORD KNOWS I'd smash
[Bank robbery in Kenya]
Thug 1: Put the money in the bags now!
Teller: We're under receivership
Thug 2: Oh man are you guys going to be ok?
I'd rather make fun of myself everyday on twitter than pick on someone I don't know who may be going through some real tough shit
The number of mosquitoes that have twitter accounts and can read is the real story here tbh https://twitter.com/CNN/status/732558662288412672 …
Manspreading my way to greatness... #TheBearRises ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ #YNWA Rhythm Guitar - Last Year's Tragedy (@LYTband)
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