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Sucks when I'm about to have sex & she says, 'Please don't break my heart' & I have to reassure her that my penis will NOT reach that far
Samsung won't stop until they create a TV so curved it watches itself.
Why do guys hold grudges against girls who rejected them so long ago? Anyway if you're reading this Mary from primary school, YOU'RE A WHORE
CEO: Due to budget cuts, we will no longer be having the elephant in the room
Me: So what now?
CEO: *Points to corner*
Hippo: Sup bitches
Difference between dry-spell & friend-zone is that you'd rather be in a desert than being in a river with water you can't drink LOL
Interviewer: It says here you're a problem solver. Explain?
Me: *Untangles headphones in under 15 secs*
Her: GET THE CEO ON THE PHONE NOW
At this rate, we can expect the 'EBOLA' movie in 2015 directed by Michael Bay, starring Brad Pitt as a Nigerian doctor who saves the world
#FolderNamesToHidePornOnPc ''IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE''
I hope all those CCTV cameras being set up around town will capture Safaricom stealing our money too
Compliment a pretty girl, she'll think you just want sex. Compliment an ugly girl, she'll think you're lying. Lesson? Compliment a sandwich
If your girlfriend never comes home complaining about the bitch at work that everyone hates, THEN SHE'S THAT BITCH LOL.
Too many brands using tweeps to push their products on my TL. Thankfully, I just mute them using my HTC M9 with it's awesome camera and...
A girl can't even find her bunch of keys in her own handbag, how the hell is she going to find happiness in a man?
Bro Ocholla: Did you see that girl just walk by? I'd smash
Me: Dude, we're in church
Bro Ocholla: Sorry. LORD KNOWS I'd smash
[Bank robbery in Kenya]
Thug 1: Put the money in the bags now!
Teller: We're under receivership
Thug 2: Oh man are you guys going to be ok?
I'd rather make fun of myself everyday on twitter than pick on someone I don't know who may be going through some real tough shit
The number of mosquitoes that have twitter accounts and can read is the real story here tbh https://twitter.com/CNN/status/732558662288412672 …
I'm gonna give this up and become a handsome billionaire prince from Wakanda. #TheBearRises ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ #YNWA Rhythm Guitar - Last Year's Tragedy (@LYTband)
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