I thought running at 6 am in my neighborhood would end with me stabbed.I'm very disappointed.

Your reputation here doesn't count for shit bana..

The difference between brown-nosing and butt kissing? Depth perception.

Premature me-jaculation: When you orgasm too fast when masturbating.

This one time I had sex, it was really awesome. LOL I so suck at lying.

I'm black, but I'm not 'put product placement free of charge into my rap songs' black.

if you fuck someones morals, with that result in baby morals?

Guys with big bellies who walk around in muscle T-shirts, We see you. Wish we couldn't, but we can.

Man, I’m old enough to remember the days when I had to wait a few seconds to hit the same key to type another letter on my phone.

Growth happens when u accept blame not when we place blame. That's deflection. I'm better because I acknowledged me at my worst

Apparently, you’re not allowed to slap a baby, doesn’t matter if the baby started it :(

Ted Mosby has a really good memory.

LOOK DEEP INTO A HOES EYES AN YOU CAN SEE HER FATHER WALKIN OUT HER LIFE

Let's just make this official - fat girls are reserved for blowjobs.

Apparently no one wants to see my film about blindness.

some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what

Feminists are always angry because they don’t know what it’s like to have a guy buy them drinks at the bar without them asking.

It's not you,it's your empty fridge.

I know there's plenty fish in the sea,but I'm looking for a fucking BLUE WHALE.

I talk to myself all the time because I'm great company.