Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.

Too many humans; not enough humanity.

"Does this leaf make me look fat?" - Eve.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

Just saw a guy carry a woman across the street. It was either the most romantic thing I've seen or a kidnapping.

If you are in an elevator with two strangers. Put on a serious face and say "I bet you're wondering why I called you for this meeting".

Of course women are the superior sex. They have the superpower of making a random stranger's day by just smiling.

*thinks up hilarious tweet*
*types tweet*
*adjusts word lengths*
*proof reads*
*decides it isn't funny anymore*
*deletes*
-_-

"Unable to connect to internet. Do you want to search for solutions online?" - Why I am not worried about machines taking over anytime soon.

The narrowest minds come with the widest mouths.

Fake boobs. Because you can't really implant a personality.

Don't give them hell. Give them cake. Cake will make them fat.

Makeup will peel off, faces will wrinkle, breasts will sag. Look for a smart funny girl with a twinkle in her eyes, because that's eternal.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.

Stand up and fight for what you believe in. Or sit down and tweet. Whatever.

#ReplaceFilmsTitlesWithVagina ... I wont because I can't think of a movie that bleeds every month.

Fifty years from now people are going to read our tweets in some archive and wonder what was wrong with us.

People seem more interested in capturing the moment on camera, than living it.

Put iPhone into water - iPhone stops working.
Put Nokia into water - Water stops working.