my penis is like marijuana. Women try it a few times and then move on to something harder. It's a gateway penis.

Anderson Cooper: "the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control."

Arizona Wildfire: "Wow, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."

I'd hate to see John Mayer's "Oh" face after seeing his "playing guitar" face.

I spent an hour watching Weekend at Bernie's 2 this morning before realizing it was actually just Regis and Kelly.

Casey Anthony should really consider the WNBA if she's trying to avoid the media

Today, Fred Durst says Limp Bizkit is "over."

Not to be outdone, Calista Flockheart will make a similar announcement about "Ally McBeal"

Favstar has a funny way of telling you that you were funnier yesterday

"...it was called Sex & Candy" -the guy from Marcy Playground in the Target employee break room

*that awkward moment when you shake hands with the drummer from Def Leppard and you know its the hand that he pours sugar on himself with

Call me GAY all you want, but attending an actual Sausage Party sounds pretty delightful.

"Are you an arrogant prick that still lives in your parent's basement? If so, continue." - Question #1 on the Apple store job application

If you think you're having a bad day, just try to imagine what sexting must be like for the drummer from Def Leppard.

"I Choo... Choo... Chews You"

- Ralph Wiggum on Bath Salts

You would totally wanna have sex with the girl I pretend to be on Christian Mingle.

I'm so bummed that neither Lil Jon and/or any of the Eastside Boyz got past the US Olympic qualifiers for skeet shooting.

WHERE IN THE BIBLE DOES IT SAY THAT I HAVE TO WEAR PANTS IN YOUR BALL PIT???

Ever wondered what a bleached asshole looks like? http://t.co/zoyxB2Qf

Good news everyone, I just liked a Facebook status picture of a bald child with cancer this morning so that should fix the problem.

Capri Sun is a great way to introduce penetration to children.

I was expecting there to be more masturbation on the DIY network.