I Tweet and drive because the tragedy of me forgetting a Tweet is far greater than me being injuried

Him: "Wanna see a pic of my cock?"
Me:"Sure, wanna see a pic of mine?"
Him: *Unfollow/Block*
Me: *Dusts hands*

I'm sleeping with my windows open tonight if anyone wants to break in and pay my bills or something.

Not orgasming during sex is like fixing the perfect sandwich & someone slapping it from your hands and flushing it down the fucking toilet.

Dear Parents, Stop making your kids pose by trees and "fist under chin" pose...it makes them look like a douche, Thanks

I hate being poor.




-sent from my iPad

Sometimes when I'm feeling down...



I knock that shit off...I'm fucking AWESOME!

Penis is the main reason I'm not a lesbian.

Girls who wear "Pink" on your pants, are you trying to convince us? 'Cause we know that shit looks like an Arby's roast beef.

What month is white trash month?

Asking for my family...

I need to pee!!!

Wait, this is Twitter not Facebook...


I need to pee....ON someone!

Twitter has taught me that no matter HOW fucked up I am, there is still someone out there that will want to sleep with me.

Let me see if I got this...
The chic with fake hair, nails, rack, a fake tan, colored contacts, & fake eyelashes just told me to "get real"?

I always star iPad and iPhone jokes so I don't look poor.

I'm glad I didn't take the advice of everyone who signed my yearbook "don't ever change"

I'm gonna star my own tweets, I mean, if I don't love and support me, who will?

When men say "more than a mouthful is a waste" regarding boobs, it's like women saying that about dick...

Fucking lies.

If your vag looks like an Arby's roast beef sandwich, there is still some sick bastard out there that wants to put his tongue in it.

It's "before", not "B4". You speak English not Bingo.

I hate the words "make love"...freaks me out...I want sex, I don't want to make anything