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To the fat chick with the 'jealous much?' t-shirt. No. A thousand times, no.
I am not in the mood for shaking hands today. I am more in the mood for silently staring at your outstretched palm until you retract it.
Holy shit! My wife is pregnant. I'm going to be a dilf!
Why is it when you ask someone to be quiet for a moment the first thing they do is repeatedly say 'what?' really loudly?
Woman: You're sexist
Me: it's pronounced sexiest, love.
Never underestimate mankind's capacity for stupidity.
Even in this heat, I saw a guy wearing a leather trench coat and New Rock's today. There is no such thing as a part time goth.
Who's the guy who keeps stealing the locks off public toilet doors?
Britain, there is a millimetre of snow: remain calm. Do not barricade yourself in doors and give into cannibalism.
Things that I have learned today: slinky Asian girls in too tight leather trousers is a good thing. A very good thing.
Wait! There's a contest in Brazil that's in reality a thinly veiled excuse to oggle women's bums? Why was I not informed?
Just spent ten minutes agonizing over the spelling of 'does.' I'm still not convinced.
When your girlfriend tries to dress you as a homosexual, is it to stop other girls talking to you?
People who answer there phones but don't say anything: what the fuck is up with you?
Geek, metal head, misspeller of words, part time gamer/failed author/failed guitarist, lover of all things Japanese, consumer of much bacon.
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