Try running a mile in Lindsay Lohan's shoes. For the full effect, be sure to have a no underwear on and a cocaine mustache.

If America had a slogan it'd be
"Don't bother me, I'm eating"

I like saying Italian last names. It's like riding a verbal rollercoaster.

I wish my nervous system had some more confidence in itself.

I'm so white that people never believe I'm Mexican until I steal their job.

Spike TV has Trojan condom commercials playing between Star Wars. Because if there's one thing people who watch Star Wars do is have sex.

Assisted suicide? Oh you mean marriage.

My mom tells me not to use the Lord's name in vain. I don't see why, it's not like Vader's an actual person.

The only thing bigger than Julia Roberts mouth is the Octomom's vagina.

One things for sure, Snooki doesn't need to get on her knees to give a blowjob.

The IQ drops like fucking mercury when going from my Twitter feed to my Facebook feed.

"This girl may be underage BUT..." is not a good way to start a sentence in any scenario.

If the Secret Service is so "secret" why do know about them? Shouldn't they be called "The Service".

Just saw a homeless guy urinating on a copy of the New York Times, he must be their editor.

Everyone's a critic, just like how every "comedian" on twitter is a "writer"

I'm hesitant to follow people who's timelines look like
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Does anyone tweet anything original?

Why does the ladies room at my work have a small bench?


What's wrong with crying outside?

Hey, stupid girl who sticks her tongue out in pictures, everyone already knows you're a slut but thanks.

I forgot what phone numbers look like.

"God is good!" -Every annoying religious person on Twitter ever.