I would like to thank the local ladies who wore their pj's and slippers to the grocery store. My self-esteem got it's needed boost.

Daydrinking. Daydrinking yeah!

My husband thinks I'm hungover. I'm not. I'm just drilling down deep into twitter; quietly snickering to myself while laying in bed. I win!

Today I was told I look 10 years younger than I am. Thank you adult onset acne!

My husband has assholesperger syndrome.

I just lied on twitter. I feel so FREE!!!!!

Does cleaning off the TiVo and cleaning out the liquor cabinet count as cleaning? Of course it does!

I've been off twitter for 3 days. Now I know why I've been depressed (besides the other life crap of teenager, indifferent spouse, age...BAH

Stupid hotel water. My eyes are so red. It looks like I smoked ALL the joints!

My dad had glaucoma. My eye pressure is somewhat high. I am considered a " glaucoma suspect". Not as badass as murder suspect but ok by me

Mr. Delicate is at the NAB Convention in Vegas. I'm doing homework with a 13 year old near Baltimore. This is my life. Where's my martini?

Debating whether or not to become Madam Mayor and Duchess of the dueling porn stores near my sons school. Hmmmm

Hey censors, stop sound drops. The kids are in bed. The bigger kids know all the words you're dropping.

I'm going to an event with younger than me people. They will say how epic it was all while staring at their phones. I'll be on twitter.

My phone is about to die. I'm plugging in. Hubs knows it's twitter. Be my jury, if I need one.

My liver prefers twitter!

Facebook is now a STD!

This soap dispenser is totally in love with me. It keeps "giving" even when I'm done. I promise I'll let it him down easily.

I'm chaperone on an 8th graders field trip today. How much Ativan should I bring for myself?

Little kids who dress themselves are so cute.They can't decide what to wear so they wear everything they own including their tutus