When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's not amore, that's Armageddon, dumb ass.

I'm just waiting for Charlie Sheen to start yelling, "I'm Rick James, bitch!" & then take off to Africa. Anyone else?

Coffee grant me ability to piss off things I can't change, strength to smack stuff in my reach & the apathy not to give a rat's ass.

How to Stay depressed 101: Take a break from social networking and look around at the mess in your house/apartment/hut/shack/alley dwelling.

'Duck,Duck, Goose' should have been called, 'Don't like you, Don't like you, *SMACK* I Really Hate Your Ass'.

When your life is sucking donkey dong, moving away is like trying to upgrade your suite on the Titanic. The bitch is still sinking.

Absinthe makes the head go yonder.

Hate people who say, "Only the ignorant cuss". I am very articulate, I'm just not a fucking pretentious, douche munching, jack wagon!

My kids are lucky they were cute babies, or I'd have eaten them while their bones were still soft.

ME to SONS: What's the other rule. SONS: Don't bug mom unless you are bleeding from the head, on fire or turning blue. ME: Run along & play.

When my 18yr old acts up, I wait 'til she eats breakfast & tell her I haven't cleaned the table since dad and I used it last night for sex.

I really don't feel right about celebrating St.Pat's day. I'm only 1/8 Irish. I'm gonna wear a T-shirt that says: "Kiss me, I'm just a Slut"

I try and raise my kids right but it does get annoying when they fuck up and refuse to talk until their lawyer is present.

ME: All my ex's are now either gay or druggies. THERAPIST: What's the common factor then? ME: Wow. You're right. They all had mothers.

Ever the romantic, I must say, I may be hard on the outside but I'm as gooey on the inside as a used condom.

Twitter:/twi ter/ - (v) the attempt to produce wit via verbiage due to narcissism (n) self inflicted high school environment See - masochist

Atheists didn't kill Jesus, religious people did. Atheists were at home babysitting the kids of the folks who showed up for the slaughter.

Judge Judy reminds me of every nun teacher I ever had conveniently packed into one loud little leprechaun.

Nothing says 'committed' like a broken condom. Except maybe a tattoo of a broken condom .....with a birth date.

I call my boobs the 'Wonder Twins' cause I like to yell, "Wonder Twin powers activate!" then shape them into all kinds of things.