If weed were legalized, the tax on Girl Scout cookie sales would pay off Americas debt in like a month.

Sex with an optometrist:
better like this, or better like this, How about this, or like this. Better here or here.

Look I'm a slow reader! If it makes you uncomfortable put your name tag somewhere else.

Attention:
I went to the Virgin Islands last week.


You can now just refer to them as the Islands.

Tom Sellek is the only man that looks creepy without a mustache.

Seriously, who do I have to kill around here to get an orange jumpsuit with numbers on the back of it.

I miss the good ol days of scamming Columbia House for 11 free CD's.

Twitter score card.....................Witty insightful joke: 0 stars...... Dick and fart joke with vagina reference: 89 stars and a ToTD.

Hour 1 of 5 hour meeting. This room has 192 ceiling tiles.

If the Duke boys were Asian I'm pretty sure their car would have been named the General Tso.

Concert rules: if your on someones shoulders you better be:
A) hot
B) willing to take your top off
C) there is no C, follow A and B

Hey new cop show, no pressure, but you have 50 minutes to solve your case.

Question - Can you be arrested for being Awesome?

Just checking before I leave the house.

Her: want to grab a bite at the pub?
Me: sure.
Her: we don't have to.
Me: I said sure.
Her: we can go somewhere else
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Ninja tip: When opening a beer in a movie theater, cough when twisting the cap.

I don't think so jeggings......

Lets be honest. I really just want you to fucking follow me. There I said it. *What everyone on twitter is thinking today* #FF

When someone has a lazy eye you're just suppose to stare at their forehead right?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck hates his mother?

Thermostats should look like nipples so you know when it's cool enough.