Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
If weed were legalized, the tax on Girl Scout cookie sales would pay off Americas debt in like a month.
Sex with an optometrist:
better like this, or better like this, How about this, or like this. Better here or here.
Look I'm a slow reader! If it makes you uncomfortable put your name tag somewhere else.
I went to the Virgin Islands last week.
You can now just refer to them as the Islands.
Tom Sellek is the only man that looks creepy without a mustache.
Seriously, who do I have to kill around here to get an orange jumpsuit with numbers on the back of it.
I miss the good ol days of scamming Columbia House for 11 free CD's.
Twitter score card.....................Witty insightful joke: 0 stars...... Dick and fart joke with vagina reference: 89 stars and a ToTD.
Hour 1 of 5 hour meeting. This room has 192 ceiling tiles.
If the Duke boys were Asian I'm pretty sure their car would have been named the General Tso.
Concert rules: if your on someones shoulders you better be:
B) willing to take your top off
C) there is no C, follow A and B
Hey new cop show, no pressure, but you have 50 minutes to solve your case.
Question - Can you be arrested for being Awesome?
Just checking before I leave the house.
Her: want to grab a bite at the pub?
Her: we don't have to.
Me: I said sure.
Her: we can go somewhere else
Ninja tip: When opening a beer in a movie theater, cough when twisting the cap.
I don't think so jeggings......
Lets be honest. I really just want you to fucking follow me. There I said it. *What everyone on twitter is thinking today* #FF
When someone has a lazy eye you're just suppose to stare at their forehead right?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck hates his mother?
Thermostats should look like nipples so you know when it's cool enough.