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Poured my cat some almond milk & now he has bangs & drives a Prius.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing.
So I was out today flying a kite, and a man stood me asks me 'Are you flying a kite?' NOPE! 'I'm fishing for birds' --- here's your sign.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I'm going to super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue tonight near the burgers. Then watch the humiliation unfold
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I'm “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
Lady said she didn't want 2 b crazy cat lady. I almost turned around & asked her why not? Don't insult me. Then licked hand & groomed hair.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Graphic/web designer. Superhero wannabe. Superman Addict! Archer. Defender of animals. Be responsible - Have your pet spayed or neutered.