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Kid wearing a bright shirt with “HI” on the front. Me: “Aloha!” The kid scoffs, turns and walks away. His shirt said “BYE” on the back. :(
(American) Waitress today kept telling a busboy to clean the “rubbish & refuse” off table 6. If you need me, I’ll be in the shower forever.
Man, you guys sure spend a lot of time putting stuff into water to make it not taste like water.
Saw a group of birds while walking my dogs so I slow-motion ran through them and Bittersweet Symphony started playing.
“they teeerk er jeerbs!”
Just started a new tube of toothpaste this morning. Another chance to finally get it right this time, guys.
If you don’t act like you’re conducting an orchestra with kitchen utensils while you’re making pancakes, then you don’t deserve pancakes.
Pretty unfair that I have to wake up to screaming children. I made the choice to NOT ruin my life, NEIGHBORS.
If I were a DJ, Id have a bowl of suckers beside me (like banks) to make you feel welcomed. Then slow nod/wink “yes” when you point to them.
Roommate: “The Karate Kid is on!”
Me: *bursts through door* “YAAAY!”
RM: “It’s the Jaden one”
Me: “Fuck you”
The Nirvana baby never got that dollar bill :(
“Remember, Skip It?” Starts skipping too fast, time travels, gets murdered for Skip It, history teaches us about Jack The ‘Skipper’ instead.
“I bet you want to take a swing at me” is a fun thing to say when you’re shaking hands with your new girlfriend’s dad for the first time.
I have a written contract that my best friend must punch me in the face if I don’t finish writing a song this week. Thats how shit gets done
What Matt Kemp did for that terminal (in 2 weeks) kid with cancer after Sundays Dodgers game was 100% genuine & heart felt. What a good man.
I just saw a broken ukulele in a sidewalk trash can.
You guys ever feel superior to everyone and you just can’t relate to anything they have to say at all? Nope, I don’t suppose you do.
Been trying for over 5 minutes to think of a great email subject line and ended up going with “Hey there”
Oh, an italicized paragraph! Yeah, I’m not reading that.
Lead singer/guitarist for The Architect Sound. Atlantic Records recording artist. Not a comedy writer. I know! I'm shocked too.