@miggie Drop the spring roll fat ass

I'm thankful for all my new @ltamovieclub friends and the @phillyd staff @matteatsmochi @jameshaffner @matthewboman @soapboxmark #LTAforever

I want Jennifer Lawrence to murder my vagina.

(Obama walks up the stage in Chicago) "I've got 99 problems but a Mitt ain't one." *Mic drop* *Back-handsprings into Airforce One*

Hey Mitt, when the moderator asks you to shut the fuck up, you shut the fuck up #courtesy

Alan Alda is one Grade-A BAMF

@thatsethmbeyers Bro, You ain't livin then bro. BROOOO. DRUGS AND PUSSY BRO.

You know who should be King of the Web? @alyybongo should. She is in 4th now SO GO VOTE FOR HER OR I WILL END YOU! http://t.co/evr5mfk9

@miggie You, me, @chevydouchebag @alexdeese can all cuddle up in a twin bed. @thebobtheclown can watch and furiously jack off in the corner

@sltrib It's... It's beautiful. *wipes away lone tear*

"JOEY, share your treat with the whole class." Joey's treat was 1 marijuana cigarette. Whole class dies. Teacher was also a lesbian. #420NO

Shut up Clarice.

@matteatsmochi ask @matthewboman . Been told he's got PORN 4 DAAAAZZZEE

Hmm. Gun owners want to deport Piers Morgan for his views on gun control. Guess their love of the 2nd amendment is enough to cancel the 1st.

@miggie @matthewboman ¿n pʎs/ɯ/ɹnoɟ-ʎʇuǝʍʇ [FIXED]

I work with a girl that is so absolutely fucking stupid I'm convinced Sacha Baron Cohen is behind it.

I think they noticed I stopped taking notes  http://instagr.am/p/Td1uD4AiBm/ 

The best way to combat the new @instagram policy is for us to only take pictures of our genitals from now on #Instacock

"Happy 12/12/12 Day!" -The most uninteresting person anywhere

Tomorrow is going to be a great day for a Facebook friend purge