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Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked before you got there.
I always set aside some time on a Sunday morning to go look for my car.
Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?
Wow with all these breakfast choices I guess I choose beer.
Shaving is like punishment for something you didn't know you did.
I really do read your tweets. I've learned you all love bacon, hate facebook, are broke, and you masturbate a lot. Did I leave anything out?
I always star a tweet or 2 before I follow. So the bitch knows I'm serious.
I take everything out of context. But somehow I am confused by boxed wine.
OK, I get it "Cool" people. I'll just retweet my own shit. Thanks.
Manual retweets: Because YOU suck at twitter.
It's official I have raised dumbasses, who wants one?
Extinct religions are called myths. Active myths are called religions.
My memory must be failing. I just wanted to tweet something, got caught up reading tweets. And now I don't know what I was going to tweet.
I bet If typos were a person they would be that loud drunk chick at the party that everyone hates.
Subtweets are so 2010. If it's not @ you, it's not about you. Except for you, yes you. All of my tweets are about you. And only you.
I only watch women's tennis for the nipple erections and the skimpy outfits. Don't judge me.
My comidic prowess extends as far as, "that's what she said" jokes.
The sexiest part of a woman is her mind. That's where she decides to put her mouth around your penis.
Rules for crackers: You only open the sleeve enough to get to the next one.
Music Lover/ EX-Underwear model (In my mind). Professional Procrastinating Introvert.
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