If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump telling your kid's college fund to go fuck itself.

I wish you were my shin so I could bang you on my coffee table...

Dear Neighbors,
My internet wasn't working yesterday. I think you forgot to pay your bill.
Please be more responsible next time.
Thank you

Extinct religions are called myths. Active myths are called religions.

Remove all the vowels from female and what do you get? FML

Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?

I don't know what your problem is, but I'm sure it is difficult to pronounce.

Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked before you got there.

So Sketchers girl, you're passionate about walking? I'm passionate about fucking. You got a shoe for that??

I have officially raised dumbasses, who wants one?

Have you ever followed someone, and then after reading their tweets for a couple of days, REALLY REALLY regret following them?

I'm so fucking broke, when I swipe my debit card the machine replies with "What the Fuck are you thinking?"

Sometimes I feel and look just like a baby, looking around and thinking "what the Fuck is happening?" for no apparent reason.

Star this tweet if you don't like subliminal tweets telling you to star shit.

Someone give me the dad of the year award, just had "the talk" with the 14 boy, and had him in tears.

When I grow up I wanna be a...WAIT! That shit has already happened? FUCK ME AGAIN!

I just went to FB, this what is going on:
Craving Strawberry Pop Tarts.
Child got contacts.
Lets GO COWBOYS.
So it still fucking sucks.

Spooge has got to be the best word ever used to describe jizz.

I watch women's tennis only for the nipple erections and skimpy out fits. Don't judge me.

Really CBS?? C&C Music factory for filler music? I was really hoping to get through the rest of my life without that shit.