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Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked before you got there.
Shaving is like punishment for something you didn't know you did.
Wow with all these breakfast choices I guess I choose beer.
I only watch women's tennis for the nipple erections and the skimpy outfits. Don't judge me.
My memory must be failing. I just wanted to tweet something, got caught up reading tweets. And now I don't know what I was going to tweet.
It's official I have raised dumbasses, who wants one?
"Why do I always tweet stupid shit?" - Everyone on Twitter, probably.
I just went to FB, this what is going on:
Craving Strawberry Pop Tarts.
Child got contacts.
Lets GO PATRIOTS!
So it still fucking sucks.
So is it still a party foul for me to star my own tweets?
I could definitely rule Nicaragua.
FUCK YOU HICCUPS! AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR!
Drinking beer and star fucking ya know...... cause that's how I roll.
Star this tweet if you don't like subliminal tweets telling you to star shit.
Preparation-H, for all the burning questions. --- Ad slogan, probably
PRO TIP: If you have or want long hair, be advised you will find your hair everywhere and by everywhere I mean EVERYWHERE!
I don't know what your problem is, but I'm sure it is difficult to pronounce.
Who wants to see a picture of my Margarita and Tacos? Guys?
Sorry for that last tweet, I don't normally do the hashtag thing. Carry on.
I'm about to OWN this mother fucking roll of SHOCKTARTS.
I wish I could star your bio.
Music Lover/ EX-Underwear model (In my mind). Professional Procrastinating Introvert. I say Fuck a lot.