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Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked before you got there.
I always set aside some time on a Sunday morning to go look for my car.
Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?
Shaving is like punishment for something you didn't know you did.
Wow with all these breakfast choices I guess I choose beer.
I always star a tweet or 2 before I follow. So the bitch knows I'm serious.
I really do read your tweets. I've learned you all love bacon, hate facebook, are broke, and you masturbate a lot. Did I leave anything out?
I take everything out of context. But somehow I am confused by boxed wine.
OK, I get it "Cool" people. I'll just retweet my own shit. Thanks.
Walmart needs an observation deck.
Extinct religions are called myths. Active myths are called religions.
Manual retweets: Because YOU suck at twitter.
It's official I have raised dumbasses, who wants one?
My memory must be failing. I just wanted to tweet something, got caught up reading tweets. And now I don't know what I was going to tweet.
I bet If typos were a person they would be that loud drunk chick at the party that everyone hates.
Subtweets are so 2010. If it's not @ you, it's not about you. Except for you, yes you. All of my tweets are about you. And only you.
I only watch women's tennis for the nipple erections and the skimpy outfits. Don't judge me.
The sexiest part of a woman is her mind. That's where she decides to put her mouth around your penis.
My comidic prowess extends as far as, "that's what she said" jokes.
Music Lover/ EX-Underwear model (In my mind). Professional Procrastinating Introvert.
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