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I'm sorry I don't remember your name, I've just been calling you, "That Asshole" in my head.
Every meal I didn't have to cook myself is the best meal I've ever had.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Who let the dogs out?
Is Unicorn bacon crispy?
Since being on Twitter I'm filled with existential angst.
Truth is I'm surprised to see any of you here without shackles or an attorney present
They say you never know but you sort of do know, you just choose to ignore that shit.
Forget spring in your step, lazy summer days, fall in your arches and winter of your discontent. Season every month with something spicy.
It's usually a dark alley leading to the danger zone not a fucking highway.
You know those people in real life that reach out to you? Sometimes it's good for your soul to take hold, and pull them up.
I'd really like some parachute pants.
I'd carry a lot of Skittles.
The only thing I hate more than shopping, is shopping with a companion.
Hey creepy guy who sent me the DM filled with misspelled words: No. You can't see my beasts. As if.
Some people tweeting inspirational stuff is like the Devil saying to be good.
I only sleep to dream of you.
I'm not sure if women really want to do all the stuff that you guys say they do.
When I suddenly become still and silent, and look into someones' eyes, most people fall silent and back away slowly. The others always cry.
If your head starts to spin like a merry-go-round,
then it's time to stop visiting the Circus.
Bow to no person. Bow to bravery, hope and loyalty. Bow to the spirit to Stand against the vicissitudinous world. Bow to the Universe.