In suburbia after a few awkward confusing conversations I realized that the term 'cul de sac' had nothing to do with male genitalia.

I was fired as a Walmart greeter. Why? "Welcome to Walmart. Buy 1 of our shotguns..and..just..f#ck#ng..kill..me..now" wasn't cheery enough.

When I write my Life story I won't call it an autobiography. I will call it a 'Memoir' bcos I want people 2 think Im a pretentious douchebag

How can we not make a movie out of the Iceland volcano: Ash-covered sheep, melting ice, sleeping on plastic airport chairs..non-stop action.

Guy arrested taking upskirt pics in Texas Walmart. Seriously dude? Related: my search history now shows Walmart upskirt arrest. Thx a**hole.

The size of a woman's ass is directly proportional to her feeling of relationship security. People u know this is absolutely true!

When a woman's upset, don't proclaim "Today's performance is brought to you by the DramaQueen." It seems to just aggravate the situation.

Parachutist Dies in Jump. "He died doing what he loved" Me: "So he loved 2b in free-fall screaming, flailing, & crying like a little bitch?"

If I were an office manager I'd put up a sign saying "Keep your thinking in the box & your ass in the cubicle" ...just to freak ppl out.

If I had a dollar for every time a woman turned me down, I'd have 537,432 "no-fuck bucks" which are redeemable no where.

Warning: The next white person who says 'izzle' at the end of anything... I will pummel the hell out of u!

Lobsters look like they're constantly making "air quotes." Does that make them the smartass of the marine biology world?

Thankfully, I could "undo" the New Twitter. Now, is there somewhere I can click to undo the rest of my bad choices?

Explanation to an idiot: If I say "You are a potential reality show" it's not a compliment & I don't think u have star quality!

On twitter ppl who talk about being winners in their life r probably Losers & ppl who pretend 2b Losers r probably Losers..that didnt work..

(1st of the month Letter) Dear Landlord: must u bother me about this rent thing EVERY freakin month? Leave me alone & Get a Life Landlord!

I've never faked my own death. But, I do fake having a life everyday.

Me: Is there a way to block foursquare updates from my timeline? TechGuy: "Yes. Go to the person's location & kill them." BEST ADVICE EVER.

Wow. Im a hacker genius. I hacked into the Defense Dept spy satellites ..What? ..GoogleEarth? ..Oh..nevermind. #Premature #Bragging

PlumbersCrack 3step Rehab: 1-Pull up pants 2-Put on belt 3-Tuck in shirt. Cured. 12 step program available for the incredibly clueless.