"The freedom the far right seems to crave more and more is a freedom from reality, a freedom from consequence and responsibility." - @lolgop

Of all the types of women, I like sluts the best. Mainly because they are the most receptive to me putting my penis in their vagina.

Just set up my profile on Christianmingle.com to find the religious love of my life. Don't do me wrong, God. Username: JesusWasJewish.

YEAH, I'm cuddling a guy on the couch... It's cool, though, he's got the good weed.

Great, now my stream is riddled with shitty Giants RTs from @scobleizer. Instantly unfollowed.

The first images of a new planet being formed with star dust.  http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/revealed-first-image-of-a-new-planet-being-formed-with-star-dust-8435785.html …

And lead us not into incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers. For thine is The Beer, the bitter, the lager. Forever and ever, Barmen.

Based simply on advertisements, Fox News viewers must own tons of gold, have mesothelioma, and be in serious trouble with the IRS.

Best quote from today's news, so far: "Rick Perry, who is just phoning it in from Xanax-and-booze-land, at this point."  http://www.dailykos.com/story/2013/01/17/1179617/-Roundup-GOP-outraged-by-Obama-s-executive-orders-on-guns-but-still-not-certain-why …

Seize a dictionary, bro. RT @thetexasragers: Cease every moment, live it up people. #TexasRagers

I hate to use the phrase "another notch in your belt", when "another knuckle in her asshole" sounds so much more classy.

Can't decide if I have high goals, or if my only goal is to get high.

Who starts their set at two, you say? The guys coked out of their gourds, that's who.

Yes! RT @wired: Yes yes yes yes yes yes: new #ArrestedDevelopment trailer.  http://bit.ly/10loJiY 

Devastating power. RT @brianstelter: A dad records video of the fertilizer plant on fire. Then it explodes.  http://youtu.be/ROrpKx3aIjA 

"If gay people can get married, straight people can go on gay cruises. That's equality, damn it." - @fressshhillary

Pro tip: Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed.

What's the similarity between a duck and a tablespoon?

Neither one is a bear.

Why'd it take so long for this to be a thing? http://t.co/oFEvC1ce

I think the shorts deserve to win gold medals. #olympicvolleyball