When life gives you dyslexia, make melonade.

OK, Phil Collins, you've had your fun. Just tell us what's coming in the freaking air tonight already.

When a schizophrenic is in a bad mood, do they tell people they're just having two of those days?

You guys are the best imaginary friends ever!

If I put as much effort into climbing the corporate ladder as I do these tweets, I'd own all of you people.

Fact: Nobody's 1000th tweet is ever worth reading.

My imaginary friend just blocked me.

Sucking in your stomach burns calories, right?

If anyone ever buys me a pet monkey, it better be Butters from South Park in a monkey costume or I don't want it.

If smokers are allowed to have smoke breaks, I should be allowed to have stare-blankly-into-space-and-scratch-my-balls breaks.

My father taught me to always stand whenever a vagina entered the room.

I just stole a bunch of pocket knives. Three finger discount!

I switched to Old Twitter and a packet of Post-It notes came out of my PC.

There's a Kardashian for that.

Whenever I see someone pushing an empty stroller, I like to picture the baby robbing a bank then escaping to the Caymans on a yacht.

ATTENTION FOREIGNERS: THE KOALAS ARE RIOTING. SEND HELP.

You call it aggressive driving, I call it extreme Mario Kart.

The next person who says to me, "Well, now I've seen everything," I'll have to kill. They've seen too much.

Sorry, I've got nothing.

Is it just me, or does the term "flash drive" sound like a fundraiser for creepy old dudes in trenchcoats?