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Do Muslim sex dolls blow themselves up?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said "No. I'm putting it in the living room."
I wish my super power was to take cancer from children and give it to those who deserve it like baby killers & rapists.
I wear panties only to keep my ankles warm ;)
If you think you could never kill another human being you haven't met enough of them.
Almost had a heart attack this morning thinking I was pregnant. Turns out I just ovary acted.
Retweeting is contagious. Some of you need to give it a fucking go once in awhile.
I'm like a fuckin' origami expert when I'm down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions.
Your condom shouldn't fit like sweatpants.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
My ideal man comes with a choking hazard.
If I don't make it to church on Sunday it's because I spent enough time on my knees Saturday night.
˙sƃɐʇɥsɐɥ uɐɥʇ snoıxouqo əɹoɯ ƃuıɥʇəɯos punoɟ əʌ'ı ʞuıɥʇ ı
Don't try to play hard to get with me. I have the tits and pussy, remember?
Sign at my gynecologist's office:
Dr. Morris, at your cervix.
I'm great at delegating. Go fuck yourself.
There's not much that being plowed against a wall can't fix.
I shit out 2 babies and you're gonna whine about the fucking papercut on "the webby part" of your hand?
Go make me a fucking sandwich, bitch
It took Twitter to teach me that boys jerk off into socks.
IG: diaperslinger2 I'm not the type you take home to mama