Do Muslim sex dolls blow themselves up?

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said "No. I'm putting it in the living room."

I wish my super power was to take cancer from children and give it to those who deserve it like baby killers & rapists.

I wear panties only to keep my ankles warm ;)

If you think you could never kill another human being you haven't met enough of them.

Almost had a heart attack this morning thinking I was pregnant. Turns out I just ovary acted.

Retweeting is contagious. Some of you need to give it a fucking go once in awhile.

I'm like a fuckin' origami expert when I'm down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions.

Your condom shouldn't fit like sweatpants.

Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.

My ideal man comes with a choking hazard.

If I don't make it to church on Sunday it's because I spent enough time on my knees Saturday night.

˙sƃɐʇɥsɐɥ uɐɥʇ snoıxouqo əɹoɯ ƃuıɥʇəɯos punoɟ əʌ'ı ʞuıɥʇ ı

Don't try to play hard to get with me. I have the tits and pussy, remember?

Sign at my gynecologist's office:
Dr. Morris, at your cervix.

I'm great at delegating. Go fuck yourself.

There's not much that being plowed against a wall can't fix.

I shit out 2 babies and you're gonna whine about the fucking papercut on "the webby part" of your hand?
Go make me a fucking sandwich, bitch

It took Twitter to teach me that boys jerk off into socks.