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If you've ever seen a Jewish dick then you know why the word 'Jew' has the word 'ew' in it.
My acct got hacked. Sorry if y'all got anything weird. They could've at least tweeted some sweet tits or vag for me.
Dating is like a box of chocolates and I think my box came from the dollar store :(
Dear Old People,
The plastic flowers you 'planted' would be more believable if they weren't tie-dyed or denim, ya lazy motherfuckers.
Snapchat sounds like something pissed off black women do.
Sex so good you come out of it looking like a Picasso painting.
*Pours 2 cups of coffee into travel mug *Lid pops off mug *Spills 6 gallons of coffee in lap
Since every joke format & every thought ever thought on this planet has been tweeted 147 times can we get back to boobs & dick pics, please?
I'll be spending all of today with a finger in each ear la-la-la-ing The Barber of Seville tunes cuz people in love are gross.
This tequila tastes like I'm gonna develop an extra chromosome.
Heated seats because who doesn't like a little hot ass in the morning?
The Bible would be easier to read and way less creepy if it just said: "Don't be an asshole. The end. "
God was my copilot once. We crashed into a mountain and I had to eat him for survival. He didn't taste like wafers at all.
I don't always eat egg drop soup but when I do I prefer real semen.
It's only a walk of shame if you didn't do it right.
Who me? Squirt? If you mean shoot a sweat puddle from the small of my back 5' across this tanning bed then, sure. I rule that shit.
IG: diaperslinger2 I'm not the type you take home to mama