I just got kicked out of Barnes & Noble for putting all the Bibles in the fiction section.

You people are the most arrogant, egotistical people I've ever met.

With any luck, I should fit right in.

If you don't want me to call you stupid maybe you shouldn't put your stupid opinion on Facebook for all to see, Mom.

If I lose a friend on Facebook...fine.


If I lose a follower on Twitter...who am I going to have to stab?

Angry Birds is fun until your eyes start to bleed from not blinking for three hours.

WD-40 isn't so much an "All Purpose Lube" as it is "A Trip To The Hospital."

All the normal people can't figure out how to use Twitter.

Can you get a DUI from pushing your car home? Because I think I'm getting pulled over.

Non-Alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but something about it isn't right.

Is 26 too old to tell people I still want to be a fire truck when I grow up?

Thinking of switching my picture. Has anyone tried taking a picture of themselves in a mirror with their phone yet?

I don't have any real nemesis per say, but that first bit of cold water that comes out of the shower is up there on my list.

Your Mom saying "You should put that on your Twitter," is wrong on so many levels.

I'm not homophobic, but the guy on the bus staring at my crotch and salivating excessively for 10 minutes is starting to creep me out.

Either the color green is shouting racially-charged slurs at me, or I might have had too much cold medication.

So, are any of you guys on Myspace? I just set up my account, I'm looking forward to making some really cool friends.

Pall Mall should just change their slogan to:

"The cigarette you always light backwards when you're drunk."

Shit. I missed the last 6 hours of Twitter. I hope there isn't going to be a quiz.

Just bought a MacBook. Isn't that all you need to write a novel at a Starbucks?

Hipster buying jeans: Do you have anything that will show off my spectacular taint?