I'm the best freestyle rapper in the world when I'm alone in my car and you hear it from inside my head

I bet people in the 1500's never thought of dying in a car wreck. The future holds fantastic ways to die we can't even currently imagine!

The candidates seem to think Americans want jobs but really we all just want steady money to get stuff we want. Give us free money/stuff!

Since I wasnt a 90's action star I'm starting to worry that I'll never shirtlessly stare into the pouring rain while a smooth jazz sax plays

'The Net' with Sandra Bullock is the 'Reefer Madness' of the 90's.

Slacktivism is the WORST. Retweet this to do your part and end slacktivism once and for ALL!

"Can I get a show of hands?" - Guy who can't remember the phrase "shadow puppets"

I watch porn for the same reason I watch Planet Earth: Beautiful breathtaking real life sights that are simply impossible to see in person.

I wonder why its taking Hollywood so long to do an Avengers reboot.

When is Mythbusters going to do an episode on the American Dream?

I'm really not looking forward to the price of avocados after the apocalypse.

This laser printer needs less print and more lasers.

This pedometer must be broken, there's no way there are 843 pedophiles around here...844..845...bullshit.

Little kids always want to show you stuff like you haven't been alive 10x longer than them.

@ahm76 I cant even read when your profile pic is anywhere on my screen.

My mouth feels like a dirty campsite this morning.

Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure this masturbation based cardio workout I'm developing is going to change the face of fitness forever

It's sad to think about when humanity becomes extinct...without us, who would talk about the weather?

I imagine being shot is the same feeling you get when you catch a grammatical error in one of your tweets hours/days after you tweeted it

Now is the winter of our discotheque