I choked that chicken like it owed me money.

I've never seen the "dump a trashcan in front of someone that's chasing you" trick work. Ever.

Dear single parents, keep up the good work. That shit is hard.

I once listened to my mom tell me how she got a yeast infection because my dad was a mechanic and had dirty fingers. So yeah, therapy.

I can't wait for 12G phones. They'll be able to post my tweets before I'm finished typing them. And they'll probably be funny too.

I'm built like Ron Jeremy, except with a small penis.

If you let your kid scream like they're being attacked by a badger, but they're just standing in the yard with a Barbie I get to slap you.

STARS MOTHER FUCKER! DO YOU HAVE THEM?!?! ~ Samuel L. Jackson checking his FavStar page.

When I see a girl with a neck tattoo of some guys name it reminds me that I need to stay on top of this whole parenting thing. Thanks ladies

60 followers. Who's winning now Mom? I'm somebody!!!

Thanks for not swallowing me Mom!

A new study shows that the larger a mans penis the smaller his IQ. It's times like this that I hate being smart.

If babies were like ants and could lift 100 times their body weight we'd all be fucked.

Sometimes when you tweet early in the mourning your grammer and speling arent always correct.

Dear Jim Carrey, Eddie Murphy, and Adam Sandler. You were more funny when you were poor.

Courtesy follows are the pity handjobs of Twitter.

Some of my favorite tweets don't always get a lot of stars. That's OK. They know I love them, and they love me back. That's all we need.

This just in ... Facebook friend can't wait to get off work while another can't sleep. Now back to you twitter.

"I don't know why everybody hates me, I'm just doing my job." ~ Monday

I don't know. Maybe it was wrong of me to put my hand down my pants at the parent teacher conference, but my taint was itchy. I hate that.