Stars let you know who your real fake friends are..

Safety first. Just kidding, coffee first. Safety's like third or fourth.

Some days you laugh, some days you have to refill your prescriptions..

Forget same-sex marriage, I'm petitioning for some-sex marriage.

I'm getting the hang of this. So I need to be a sexy slutty girl with a cleavage pic if I want my tweets starred and/or retweeted.
Got it.!

Things I learned from twitter thus far:
1. Emo kids are to be hated
2. Masturbation is not a sin
3. Everyone has been inside my moms vagina

I'd live tweet my depression, but I think we're all doing that..

My wife's idea of a joke is having a baby whenever we have sex.

I just realized that there's an actual mood you have to be in to do this shit..

Is everyone changing their AVI to their face these days? Isn't it enough that I have to see your soul..?

I like making friends, and I also like punching people in the face..
Decisions decisions..

When my tweets don't get starred I get worried about me, but when I see what made the leaderboard I get worried about you..

If you tuck your t-shirt into your shorts, don't be surprised if my kid kicks you in the nuts. I'm trying to raise him right.

Even with only 5% left in my battery, I'm tweeting instead of calling for someone to help me outta the snow.
Correction: 4%..

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to control peoples minds

Sometimes I like to walk around the neighborhood at night wearing nothing but a glow in the dark condom.

If you think twitter's disturbing, try reading a newspaper.

Whoa! I just realized I can star my own tweets. Guess I won't be needing you guys after all.

The ladies that clutch their tits when they sneeze are my favorite ones.

I've figured twitter out. If you follow many but have few follows, you're lame. And if you follow few, but many follow you, you're lame..