I am trying to force my testicles back into my body when the doctor enters the exam room. "Awkward" I yell, in retrospect, much too loudly.

I'm sorry but your wistful sighs are ruining this creative writing workshop

I like to consider myself the Ezra Pound of twitter: I help others get noticed, but what I create is of little value and also anti-Semitic.

I take off your blouse. You take off my shirt. I pull out your hair. You remove my fingers and stack them on your night table. I remove your

Baby turtles instinctively seek out the ocean, while perverted human babies go after nipples- who are the REAL animals?

My parents told me "you should find work that doesn't feel like work," which is why I got a job riding unicorns and eating ice cream. Thanks

BREAKING (AP): Apple founder Steve Jobs found dead after leaping from Foxconn factory roof- 'he jumped and screamed the whole way' says fac

@regisl i have to disagree- i've been in a very happy bloodpact with my succubus wife for nearly 200 years

then I wanted to be a writer and so I did nothing. I read nothing, practiced nothing and I neglected my learning and my body. now I tweet

Internet culture is shot through with racism, misogyny, nihilism- it reflects the intellectual poverty of the people that create it

Fact: if you blow on Nas's belly it's called a nasberry and it make's him giggle.

Foucault offers to blow Nietzsche. Nietzsche of course accepts. Derrida whispers catty comments. Lacan is an idiot. The Continentals

If you characterize your relationship as "stuck in the friendzone," then it's probably a stretch to even call yourself this person's friend

I trace your clavicle with my finger. I gently kiss your ear lobe. I begin to "raise the roof," and chant "intercourse, intercourse"

To all Illumanati: I have a ton of ideas about how to run things/who to assasinate.

is it true a girl can have an orgasm? i'm asking for my girlfriend

@redfivetwo ...they do it because it makes them feel inwardly quite unique or transgressive- they have no concern outside themselves

In the future, standup comedians will stare at their shoes and meekly whisper into the mic "I'm gay" over and over

How To Monetize Your Twitter Output: turn "I'm gay" into "I'm rich"

"PREPARE TO GET FUCKED UP." "FINE- LEMME PUT ON SOMETHING SEXY FOR YA." "DONT FORGET TO SCRUB THAT HOLE OF YOURS BEFORE I MAKE LOVE TO IT"