1) Put on a flannel shirt
2) Grab an axe
3) Stand near a fallen tree
4) Get bitches

How to cook tofu:

1) grab garbage can
2) throw tofu in garbage can
3) eat nachos
4) eat more nachos
5) ok just one more bite of nachos

A magic carpet ride, but on a massive slice of pizza.

Guys aren't worried about your cellulite, ladies. Unless its located on your dick. Then it's like why you got a dick, you know?

If plants are alive then why don't they play Xbox

If someone calls you a "tool" and your response has the word "bro" in it... well there you go.

*adopts a hawk*

*names it Tony*

Man... that Guns N' Roses concert my dad went to in 1992 is taking FOREVER.

Sext: *throws phone in the ocean*

*phone washes up to shore after several hours*

*turns on phone and sees hundreds of shark dick pics*

I've never seen a Twilight film, but I have seen a homeless guy jerk off in the mall food court. Figure the two are very similar.

I feel as if America is a really drunk guy that ripped his own wife beater off only to get its ass kicked & after it all hes like "Im ok."

If I owned a purse, it'd be full of nacho cheese. Of course I'd have two purses, with the other one full of tortilla chips.

Khloe Kardashian won't get a DNA test, which strengthens my conspiracy that she's actually Bigfoot.

*burps*

*wins Grammy for best country song*

A bear rug, but it's alive.

Sup babe, do you like baby cows?

*flexes calves*

How about these babies?

*gets peppersprayed*

You can literally tweet anything on the weekends. Fuck white people. I'm afraid of bats. Babies scare me. I hate sushi. I just farted naked.

My pudding brings all the girls to the yard, and they're like, "do you have anything besides pudding?"

"Story of my life." - Abraham Lincoln watching Lincoln

Nothing says "humble" like owning a trophy case.