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1) Put on a flannel shirt
2) Grab an axe
3) Stand near a fallen tree
4) Get bitches
How to cook tofu:
1) grab garbage can
2) throw tofu in garbage can
3) eat nachos
4) eat more nachos
5) ok just one more bite of nachos
A magic carpet ride, but on a massive slice of pizza.
Guys aren't worried about your cellulite, ladies. Unless its located on your dick. Then it's like why you got a dick, you know?
If plants are alive then why don't they play Xbox
If someone calls you a "tool" and your response has the word "bro" in it... well there you go.
*adopts a hawk*
*names it Tony*
Man... that Guns N' Roses concert my dad went to in 1992 is taking FOREVER.
Sext: *throws phone in the ocean*
*phone washes up to shore after several hours*
*turns on phone and sees hundreds of shark dick pics*
I've never seen a Twilight film, but I have seen a homeless guy jerk off in the mall food court. Figure the two are very similar.
I feel as if America is a really drunk guy that ripped his own wife beater off only to get its ass kicked & after it all hes like "Im ok."
If I owned a purse, it'd be full of nacho cheese. Of course I'd have two purses, with the other one full of tortilla chips.
Khloe Kardashian won't get a DNA test, which strengthens my conspiracy that she's actually Bigfoot.
*wins Grammy for best country song*
A bear rug, but it's alive.
Sup babe, do you like baby cows?
How about these babies?
You can literally tweet anything on the weekends. Fuck white people. I'm afraid of bats. Babies scare me. I hate sushi. I just farted naked.
My pudding brings all the girls to the yard, and they're like, "do you have anything besides pudding?"
"Story of my life." - Abraham Lincoln watching Lincoln
Nothing says "humble" like owning a trophy case.
24 year old comedian. You might recognize me from Nirvana's 'Nevermind' album cover. http://Favstar.fm/users/DillonGeroux