*sits on the toilet*

*gets on twitter*

*grows a beard*

*wipes 14 times and flushes*

Bacon flavored condoms are essentially the nicotine gum of bacon.

Fellas, women love plucking your eyebrows. Ladies, men love plucking your B hole whiskers.

*goes to mini golf*

*uses a 3 wood*

SHUT UP! *farts* ok carry on.

@coachrx1980 hahaha yeah I hear ya. Just never really grasped on to the idea of modifying my body with metal or ink I guess.

People will say that individuals are hotter/sexier with tats & piercings, but how so? Dont they lose their edge since most people have them?

I've never really understood the concept of piercings and tattoos. They're cool though I guess, but is it a way to be expressive/fit in?

Lady, just cut the small talk BS and fog up my iPhone screen with your ass burps already.

I imagine a baby shower is kinda like having my testicles removed with a scalding hot shoe horn.

*finds a bird clinging to life*

*gets down on 1 knee*

I CAN BE YOUR HERO, BABY.

*gives bird mouth to mouth*

*gets hungry & eats bird*

HOLD THE TEARS IN DILLON RT "@huffingtonpost: Heart-warming VIDEO: Tornado victim finds her dog during TV interview  http://huff.to/17YCEAe ”

@shocktartbionic *challenges you to a twerk-battle*

*enters a phone booth*

*notices Colin Farrell is in the same phone booth*

*starts pleading for my life*

SHOOT HIM! I'M NOT IN THIS MOVIE!

*lifts up shirt*

*reveals "Thug Life" written on my stomach in marinara sauce*

First rule of Dad Club: tuck your shirt in your jorts.

Sup babe? Do you like wearing overalls? Because I'm gonna be jizz bombin all over yours.

Dicks are just free protein shake dispensers

Doctor, doctor, give me the news.

I got a bad case of sniffin glue.

Sext: *throws phone in the ocean*

*phone washes up to shore after several hours*

*turns on phone and sees hundreds of shark dick pics*