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Won the most-adventurous-sex-life contest at a sex toy party. Got made fun of by a woman who only has sex in bed because she's "not 16".
I've decided to have salad for lunch. Because I like to lie to myself and think I'm going to lose weight.
Let me tell you about dreams: they die like most things. But once in awhile someone gives you a second chance to live it. So don't give up.
One of the reasons why I do want to get married, is so I'll have someone to taste my cooking & tell me how fabulous it is. : )
I’m now pretty sure those of you tweeting about “safe words” don’t know what they are and have never used one.
Why Don McLean hasn't opened a restaurant named "McLean Cuisine" is beyond me.
It's wasteful flaunting your intellectual prowess when bitches just want the dick.
There isn't a man, woman or child who doesn't enjoy boobs.
My best tweets are definitely not on my "best of" page.
Layaway is just a piggy bank for financially irresponsible adults.
When they find out how fucking crazy you really are and still love you anyway you buy a fucking ring.
If it's a viable option, I always choose bed.
I swear, if the recipe book said 'stir only when nude, with buttered nipples,' guess whose boyfriend would be getting naked and greasing up?
"stick it in my Bad Gateway"
Bad Gateway is what the hipster kids are calling anal these days.
Every round table discussion about cats inevitably winds up being about their buttholes.
Fifty Shades of Gray is about bdsm? I'm crying. It's twilight fan fiction about bdsm that's been altered into a best seller. Fucking kill me
Why are toddlers so fucking irrational?
My cats think I'm super popular. I love my boyfriend, long naps, and touching my boobs in inappropriate situations.