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I’ve got a hole in my bowl,
can you plug it with a nugget?
Without a doubt, my favorite people at any rock concert are the ones who order wine.
Nobody at this heavy metal concert wants to talk about Minecraft. :(
Super drunk and introducing my boyfriend to new broadway musicals… so, pretty much living the dream.
I used to think I needed friends, but then I discovered Minecraft.
I’m thankful I can get myself off, but i’m more thankful that I don’t have to.
I’m thankful my cats think i’m perfect.
I’m thankful my boyfriend knows how to choke me out.
I’m thankful my step-dad has a Vicodin prescription. And that he shares.
I’m thankful I don’t have to wipe any baby butts.
I’m thankful whipped cream vodka tastes like magic.
My fingers smell like pussy. Unfortunately, it’s my own pussy… but fortunately my pussy smells delicious.
The only time long lines are good is when they’re made out of drugs.
If the patio reeks of vomit, the bar probably serves strong drinks.
If your bathtub isn’t big enough to get fucked in, you’re missing out.
The day that Postal Service songs stop making me cry is the day I know I’ve lost my soul.
My cats think I'm super popular. I love my boyfriend, long naps, and touching my boobs in inappropriate situations.