Good news: I remembered to wear pants to work

Bad news: forgot my belt

Good news: my fatass holds my pants up

Bad news: I have a fat ass

The voices in my head tell me not to listen to my psychiatrist.

My psychiatrist tells me to ignore the voices in my head.

I'm confused

You know what's gay about male strippers?
All the body glitter they use. It takes me hours to get that crap off of me after a lap dance.

It's amazing how fast you can get dressed and out the door when your boss calls you and says, 'get your ass here now or your fired!'.

What men say: babe you're blocking the TV

What women hear: move your cellulite filled fatass, go run on a treadmill & don't eat for a week

I'm no different than any other man. I put my pants on one leg at a time.

The only difference is my pants have three pant legs.

Pro Tip: fellas if you're broke or just cheap, now is the best time to start dating a girl.
They're all on diets & won't break the wallet.

Damn I wish I could make an omelet out of all these eggs following me.

I love a woman that enjoys being on top.

And by 'top' I mean on my roof putting up my Christmas lights.

If I had sex with a hermaphrodite, does that count as a threesome?

What if farts aren't just sounds our butts make?
What if our butts are trying to communicate with other butts?

That was a delicious browny

I am the most humble narcissist you will ever meet.

I love to let people admire me.

Fact: I'm afraid to make any cat jokes because I have about 398 cat ladies following me and that will leave me with *1 follower.

*My mom.

I'm pretty sure the client I just
met with ate a turd right before she walked in the door.

I used to follow avi's with boobs even if they weren't funny but I've matured a lot.
I still follow them, I've just matured in other ways.

Always read books that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

You shut your mouth or I will stab you to death with Reese Witherspoons chin!

The bad thing about sitting in a cubicle all day is that you want to die

The good news is the days are 100x longer so you'll live forever

I only have 800 followers. I wish I had 8008 so it would look as though I had BOOB amount of followers.

If you pass on sex because you'd rather be tweeting, I think it's time I take... Errrr.. I mean it's time YOU to take a break from twitter.