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  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    Good news: I remembered to wear pants to work

    Bad news: forgot my belt

    Good news: my fatass holds my pants up

    Bad news: I have a fat ass

    • 231
    • FAVS
    obi_ian_kenobiBashfullsmilegrumpysalmonCseashellsMmeLaCroozFinallyHeSleepsNotJPoJonJon_Brown
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    obi_ian_kenobiCoraGracePackwaibonMoPoFoShosukarkSoChanceWasLikeMissSD2013JordyHamrick
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    The voices in my head tell me not to listen to my psychiatrist.

    My psychiatrist tells me to ignore the voices in my head.

    I'm confused

    • 159
    • FAVS
    zgbettyobi_ian_kenobigrumpysalmonFinallyHeSleepsCapo_Di_Chaosletsdancebitchsdesignersaysllvvzz
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    shaden_als________obi_ian_kenobiLivetoShred12LizLovesLiquorbirdanklefavstar1000favskIKididitThe_MarkE
    kennyhcomedy
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    You know what's gay about male strippers?
    All the body glitter they use. It takes me hours to get that crap off of me after a lap dance.

    • 114
    • FAVS
    obi_ian_kenobiTrainedHedonistrobfeegrumpysalmonFinallyHeSleepsletsdancebitchsdesignersaysllvvzz
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    grumpysalmonfavstar1000favslick_me_twice________Favstar500Favs
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    It's amazing how fast you can get dressed and out the door when your boss calls you and says, 'get your ass here now or your fired!'.

    • 105
    • FAVS
    obi_ian_kenobigrumpysalmonFinallyHeSleepsletsdancebitchsdesignersaysllvvzzyzuppKillerdolce
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    wanza_favstar1000favsFavstar500Favsrandumnesschic
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    What men say: babe you're blocking the TV

    What women hear: move your cellulite filled fatass, go run on a treadmill & don't eat for a week

    • 80
    • FAVS
    obi_ian_kenobigrumpysalmonBongz_CseashellsDavidKlein5FinallyHeSleepsletsdancebitchsllvvzz
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    NzuricrystalTyzuppFavstar500FavsMisterPranksterSibsMacdBlueEyeBeanerMrsEvilEyescynaleo
    yzupp
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    I'm no different than any other man. I put my pants on one leg at a time.

    The only difference is my pants have three pant legs.

    • 93
    • FAVS
    obi_ian_kenobigrumpysalmonCseashellsFinallyHeSleepsletsdancebitchsdesignersaysllvvzzyzupp
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
    globetrottgirl
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    Pro Tip: fellas if you're broke or just cheap, now is the best time to start dating a girl.
    They're all on diets & won't break the wallet.

    • 81
    • FAVS
    obi_ian_kenobiFinallyHeSleepsletsdancebitchsllvvzzyzuppKillerdolceboobillAlekzone
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsBrooklynBluiJMC__BmoreLikeNitaFuckUrTimelinefavstar_popWondermonkey2kHeidiKlaerich
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    Damn I wish I could make an omelet out of all these eggs following me.

    • 85
    • FAVS
    obi_ian_kenobiletsdancebitchsdesignersaysllvvzzyzuppKillerdolceboobillawescar
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    obi_ian_kenobirafeahmedObiJuan_Kenobimytweecwetlife____Favstar500Favs
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    I love a woman that enjoys being on top.

    And by 'top' I mean on my roof putting up my Christmas lights.

    • 75
    • FAVS
    llvvzzyzuppboobillAlekzonejustinry____SnarkToastaimlessaimersLivetoShred12
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    AlekzoneFavstar500Favsfavstar_popBrianMongoldlocardsshanethevein
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    If I had sex with a hermaphrodite, does that count as a threesome?

    • 73
    • FAVS
    designersaysACCutsllvvzzyzuppKillerdolceAlekzoneziploccondom______LivetoShred12
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    AlekzoneFavstar500Favsmarieevaldsentakashima_mari__ShinnieGamiosorioestebannezybitshanethevein
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    What if farts aren't just sounds our butts make?
    What if our butts are trying to communicate with other butts?

    That was a delicious browny

    • 59
    • FAVS
    designersaysllvvzzKillerdolceboobillDadNeedsADrinkHiKrisaimlessaimersvioletsiva________
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    arianaandalcoFavstar500Favstplascfuzzymolly__CBuck19712livis2dyronnykocheryhihellogoodrid
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    I am the most humble narcissist you will ever meet.

    I love to let people admire me.

    • 73
    • FAVS
    designersaysllvvzzKillerdolceboobilljustinry____ziploccondom______nukethemaly______LivetoShred12
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsnebyouluslilsey
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    Fact: I'm afraid to make any cat jokes because I have about 398 cat ladies following me and that will leave me with *1 follower.

    *My mom.

    • 71
    • FAVS
    FinallyHeSleepsdesignersaysllvvzzboobillDadNeedsADrinkziploccondom______aimlessaimersLivetoShred12
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavspanajaneTerminalSingles__
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    I'm pretty sure the client I just
    met with ate a turd right before she walked in the door.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    designersaysllvvzzeTHEgoddessjustinry____aimlessaimersLivetoShred12NuttyIslanderPyrBliss
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    I used to follow avi's with boobs even if they weren't funny but I've matured a lot.
    I still follow them, I've just matured in other ways.

    • 65
    • FAVS
    FinallyHeSleepsdesignersaysllvvzzboobillDadNeedsADrinkSnarkToastziploccondom______nukethemaly______
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
    kervinf__________
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    Always read books that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

    • 62
    • FAVS
    designersaysllvvzzboobilljustinry____DadNeedsADrinkaimlessaimersnukethemaly______LivetoShred12
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    perpetualspiraldouchephuck______DylaneasylifeFavstar500Favs
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    You shut your mouth or I will stab you to death with Reese Witherspoons chin!

    • 62
    • FAVS
    designersaysACCutsllvvzzjustinry____DadNeedsADrinkLivetoShred12NuttyIslandermytweecwetlife____
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    justinry____Favstar500Favs
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    The bad thing about sitting in a cubicle all day is that you want to die

    The good news is the days are 100x longer so you'll live forever

    • 55
    • FAVS
    FinallyHeSleepsACCutsDadNeedsADrinkHiKristamytoo2SnarkToastbuck4ittziploccondom______
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsLolaGDdluckycloverchicchinoknooowsthe1trueRoosterhismuseSlappNuttz________
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    I only have 800 followers. I wish I had 8008 so it would look as though I had BOOB amount of followers.

    • 58
    • FAVS
    designersaysllvvzzboobilleTHEgoddessjustinry____DadNeedsADrinkziploccondom______DearNoone
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsixSEANxishhhmegs__________
  • DirtyBlaxican
      DirtyBlaxican @DirtyBlaxican

    If you pass on sex because you'd rather be tweeting, I think it's time I take... Errrr.. I mean it's time YOU to take a break from twitter.

    • 55
    • FAVS
    FinallyHeSleepsdesignersaysllvvzzDadNeedsADrinkKyle_Lippertmikeym00nHiKrisbuck4itt
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsmitdasein
@DirtyBlaxican

@DirtyBlaxican

THAT'S RACIST!