Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Making some dude with glasses and a coffee cup chase my laser pointer all over his wall. Hilarious. I think he may be starting to panic.
All of my days end with a "why?"
I don't tweet as much as I would like, but sometimes I like to have a life. Most of which is spent curled in a ball, crying.
I doubt anyone will have their twitter feed read as a eulogy.
I love tattoos that mean something. For example, a tattoo on your face means "I am a fucking idiot".
I'm not saying I masturbate a lot, but I've already jacked it twice while writing this tweet.
Jehovah's Witnesses at the door again. Jeez, can't a guy sacrifice a virgin in peace these days?
Just saw my dog walking down the hallway with a pair of my dirty underwear. When he's finished in the laundry, I'll teach him to wash dishes
I like to go to people's profile pages to star their tweets because I read faster than Favstar thinks I can.
Still confused about properly re-tweeting... Apparently nailing pigeons to the front door is wrong.
I like my coffee like I like my women, strong enough to make me jittery.
I childproofed my home. My sister says the barbed wire is going too far.
Travelled back in time & successfully stopped John Travolta from appearing in Bucket List. Also, converted him to Scientology for kicks.
I'm so insanely good looking that if I put up a picture of myself you would all probably die from being forced to gaze upon my awesomeness.
At dinner the other night, someone asked sarcastically "who here is even on Twitter?" and I was the only one who raised my hand.
Hey spambots, as long as you're not doing anything, how about starring some tweets? Thanks. #RedundantTweet
Mmmm... coffee and anti-depressants.
Star this tweet so I know you've been paying attention.
Or you can star it if you're drunk. Or horny. Or whatever.
At its best, Twitter is like 21st century vaudeville.
Unless you have no followers, in which case, welcome to ignoredville.
Damn, I always forget when I tweet this time of day that America is mostly asleep. Should I wake the sleeping giant?