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Medusa's hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
What's my drug of choice? More.
"I'm 'the outdoorsy type' in that I like to get drunk on patios."
I'm actually a really good driver, when Twitter is down.
Nearly broke my neck trying to get a good look at my butthole to see what the big deal is.
All I want is a friend who also has Twitter so we can sit next to each other in complete silence and just scroll. And occasionally share.
I miss sex so much I just held a hairy kiwi against my face for like 5 minutes.
It's not sexual harassment unless I don't get the raise I was promised.
I spent most of my childhood pretending to know how that Minesweeper game works.
"Stay away from him, okay? He deals drugs."
That's horrible. Is he single? I mean, that's horrible.
"Why are you spitting on my vagina?" -things I say to ruin the moment
All things considered, I picked a pretty nice ditch to pass out in.
'Don't undress me with your eyes. Use your teeth.'
My laptop is the most expensive plate I've purchased.
You sent me a picture of your penis, so I sent one back and I'm the asshole?! I thought you wanted to exchange pictures...
I have Chris Brown on my iPod cause it makes me run faster.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won't have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I like my men like I like my coffee, not black.
Eight. It took me eight tries to get the USB drive in the right hole. This leads me to believe that if I was a guy the sex would be horrible
I'm so pale that if I was doing reverse cowgirl in the dark with a black guy it would look like I was levitating.
Dog and Pony Show Instagram: @dirtymelodies http://favstar.fm/users/DirtyMelodies