Medusa's hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

What's my drug of choice? More.

"I'm 'the outdoorsy type' in that I like to get drunk on patios."

I'm actually a really good driver, when Twitter is down.

Nearly broke my neck trying to get a good look at my butthole to see what the big deal is.

All I want is a friend who also has Twitter so we can sit next to each other in complete silence and just scroll. And occasionally share.

I miss sex so much I just held a hairy kiwi against my face for like 5 minutes.

It's not sexual harassment unless I don't get the raise I was promised.

I spent most of my childhood pretending to know how that Minesweeper game works.

"Stay away from him, okay? He deals drugs."

That's horrible. Is he single? I mean, that's horrible.

"Why are you spitting on my vagina?" -things I say to ruin the moment

All things considered, I picked a pretty nice ditch to pass out in.

'Don't undress me with your eyes. Use your teeth.'

My laptop is the most expensive plate I've purchased.

You sent me a picture of your penis, so I sent one back and I'm the asshole?! I thought you wanted to exchange pictures...

I have Chris Brown on my iPod cause it makes me run faster.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won't have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

I like my men like I like my coffee, not black.

Eight. It took me eight tries to get the USB drive in the right hole. This leads me to believe that if I was a guy the sex would be horrible

I'm so pale that if I was doing reverse cowgirl in the dark with a black guy it would look like I was levitating.