The sooner you realize there's no happily ever after, the happier you'll be.

Is “because, fuck you” a valid reason to take a sick day?

“This sounds an awful lot like not my problem” - me to every whiny bitch, ever.

The better my chances are of seeing you naked, the better your chances are of me answering your texts. I don’t make the rules, people.

I've entered the idiot portion of my day

Giving my dads dogs the jazz hands so they can see I have no food.

This is rock bottom.

It’s amazing that Twitter hasn’t become Mecca for divorce lawyers yet.

Judge me after you get to know me.

Or don't. Your loss, not mine.

I’m 100% in love with my mood today.

I wish you guys would have let me know that it was international "fuck you i'm on my period" week.

If you lost your khakis you can't get in your pants... But if you're from Boston and you lost your khakis you can't get in your car.

I need to set higher standards for my trophies.

Complaining about every little thing isn't sexy. It just accelerates my path to the unfollow button.

Don't confuse my being nice with a willingness to tolerate bullshit. You'll end up playing with yourself. Again.

Whoever took off with my motivation, it has my permission to spend the night at your place

I’m that asshole that teaches bitches the invaluable lesson:

Read the fucking profile before you follow somebody!

Part of me still wants to believe that Canadian women aren’t insane.

My God your tits are hypnotic

Peanut butter crackers. Because fuck you, that’s why.

I'm home, I'm horny, and I'm off work tomorrow. One at a time, ladies.