Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

I wonder if the clothes in China say, "Made around the corner."

I sleep naked so if there's some sort of emergency... I immediately make it sexy.

The difference between those of us with tattoos and those that don't...we never talk shit about those that don't.

If having sex with 3 people is a threesome and 2 is a twosome then dammit I am handsome!

The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away, but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

If Twitter ever shuts down. You'll see girls roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?.. DO YOU!?

I was flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalogue and now I have a craving for ribs.

They should make Harry Potter brand condoms... Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.

McDonalds is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries.

Bitches or not, 99 problems is still a shitload of fucking problems.

I hate when cashiers ask you, Is that everything?" Wait, I'd also like all this invisible shit!

If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller fucking bra.

Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

The older I get, the wiser my father becomes!

I wish I could commute by roller coaster.

If a woman tells you to "Go Ahead", it's a dare, not permission, don't do it!

Being single doesn't mean you know nothing about love. Sometimes being solo is wiser than being in a fucked up relationship.

If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?