Shall we welcome the new bong into the family?

According to my calculations, everybody should be smoking way more marijuana.

This is the part in traffic where I always wish I had a paint ball gun.

I think my zombie clone will do a good job at work for me today as long as nobody talks to her.

Nobody else is gonna imaginary die on my watch.

I'm wearing my camouflage gear today in case anybody wants to fight me.

I hate to break it to you guys but you do know they sell turkeys year-round. They don't go out of season. But whatever.

Don't pity favorite me.

Who me? Oh nothing, just busy over here burning all my bridges.

When my brother texts me, "what are you doing?" He really means, "do you have any weed?"

I was told there would be free pumpkin guts here.

Then I throw them in the gutter and go buy another.

She left a food chopper part with the blade up in the dish rack and I just sliced my finger open.

If you're shaped like Humpty Dumpty and sitting on a wall, I will push you off because I won't be able to resist.

Don't even lie, pilgrims. If given the chance you would do it all again the same.

Morgan Freeman in a strip joint. #awkward

My starshines! #FF @erinaline @whocuppedmycake @kittysaysmeeow @dukeofoyl @byronblurb @swollenvoice @seeellvee @retiredmuppet @_congorilla_

I know for a fact that "a little birdie" is a big fat finch.

It's not my fault sound travels and I can't hear right in front of me.

I just don't know about these air guitar sign holders. Something about them is not trustworthy.